Fight from the Inside

"You gotta fight from the inside.

Attack from the rear.

You gotta fight from the inside.

You can't win with your hands tied."

-Queen

There are two things you should know about me if you don't already:

1. I don't like fighting.

2. I'm a fighter.

I don't have any idea why you'd find that confusing. Just because I don't like to fight doesn't mean I won't. I feel that I fall into that category of "I'll never start a fight but I'll finish it for you." I don't like when people come at me swinging and as a result I do a great job of flying off the handle.

I lay awake tonight for two separate events stirring in my brain. Through a mess of frantic thoughts, tears, and sad song playing- I've decided to blog about them. I've realized that the common link between the two is, obviously, fighting.

Event 1:

I've got a list of personal rules that I try to follow very strictly. Why? When I don't stick to my own rules I usually get to deal with fun things like guilt, grief, anger, and other roller coaster emotions. I know myself well enough to know that I suck at processing these emotions so I try to steer clear of situations that will ignite them. Unfortunately, I recently had an experience where I made a poor decision and it has resulted in quite a fabulous predicament. I have unintentionally let someone walk all over me in a personal relationship. For the past few days I've been stewing over this because I think it's an important thing to bring up because I do feel I was lied to and used. The problem is I do foresee a positive relationship with this person and I really don't want to create a mess if it's unnecessary. As the days pass I get more upset that I've let another day go by without letting this person know how I feel about their lie. Lying is a big freaking deal. There is no way to bring up this topic without it being a "big freaking deal." So, like a coward, I haven't brought up the topic because I don't want to fight. As I sit here and type this blog I'm getting pissed at myself because I'm not standing up for myself. I've been creating a negative feeling about this person and not giving them the opportunity to remedy this situation because I'm not willing to fight for and stick up for myself. Coward.

Event 2:

There are approximately 6ish days until September. If you read every blog, have stolen my diary, or have listened to me vent at all- September is the toughest demon I wrestle every year. Last year was no different and the 1 year anniversary of my invincibility cape falling off is just around the corner. I'm not ready.

Currently, I'm unemployed. I've got many jobs being thrown at me but I know what I'm worth and I know what is best for me so I'm not willing to settle on just any job. Technically speaking, I've spent my whole "adult" life on my career. I am, and know I am, a Badass at my job. My career is going to jump back on track in a short while and I'll be cruising again. Which is pretty stinking important because let's be honest- My damn career is ALL I have. Ya, ya, ya I've got my friends, family and Nova but other than that I have my... CAREER! Lately I've been feeling like I poured myself into this gig I've got and into nothing else that I dream about. I haven't tried really hard to find a sidekick, have children, build a family, or plan for the future. I've just let that part of my heart be pushed aside. When November finally arrives I'll be turning 28. As I sit here and think about where I once thought I'd be I'm sad to think that I'm behind "schedule." It was only a year ago where I told myself that I'd fight every.single.day for the life I hope and dream about. How did I forget? How could I have just given up so easily? It's true, I'm afraid of a social timeline. Even worse- I'm not following my dreams. Coward.

As I lay here thinking about how everything I want most is out of reach, I realize it's time to start a fight. I'm going to dive in without goggles and kick my legs with all I've got. I'm going to peddle as fast as I can while I ring my bell at cars. I'm going to yell, scream, bite, kick, and roar as loud as I can. I'm going to start a fight...

"You're in a lion fight. Just because you didn't win doesn't mean you didn't roar."

My Belated Chop Chop CHOP!

Sorry about the Delay...

For those of you that have seen me since Valentine's Day- You probably already know that I chopped my hair. For those of you that read this blog consistently- you probably knew this was coming!

For my 27th Birthday, I had asked my friends to donate blood instead of giving gifts etc. I truly want it to be something that people can do every year! If not for "my birthday" then for people in need, people who could one day be a family member or even themselves. I was floored when my birthday was approaching and I started getting lots of emails, picture texts, and phone calls with my pals pouring out a pint...of blood! In total I had about 11 friends that donated blood, and a handful of friends (those who couldn't donate) that donated to the local Cancer Center and Children's Hospital!

When I was thinking about everyone laying down for juice and cookies, I decided that I really should do something too! I've always had long hair and so I decided I'd donate my hair for Valentine's Day!

(Look Ma- No Make Up!)

After much research I had decided on Pantene's Beautiful Lengths. I ended up donating a total of 9.5 inches when my goal was 8! I hope to continue donating in the future! It may take some time to grow my hair back out but when I do my goal is 12 inches! Woot Woot! I'd like to thank Carrie McLeod from Salon Couture for helping me and giving me a Sassy Cut!

Yield to the Princess

I got my drivers license on November 17, 1999. It's official- I've been driving 10 years now. My friend, Lauren, got me a license plate cover to congratulate me on getting my license. It was pink and said "Yield to the Princess." If you know me well enough you know I am technically a Queen but I suppose at 17 I was only a Princess- so it was quite fitting.

My first time getting pulled over was December 31, 1999. I got pulled over with my little brother in the car, on our way home from buying "fake champagne" for our New Years Eve party. Fast forward to the officer walking up to the car. I thought the officer looked a little tiny but Hey- I'm not exactly a giant either. The officer started talking and I hear my brother yell from the back seat "ARE YOU A BOY OR A GIRL???" The horror. By some miracle I did not get a ticket but I did learn a lesson. Don't even pretend to speed.

Up until 2009, I didn't have hardly any issues with driving. Everyone has a few close calls when it comes to accidents but I had been doing great! The same can be said for getting pulled over and speeding tickets.

Bring on stupid 2009.

If you are an avid reader you'll recall my horrific run in with an alligator. Well technically I ran it over. Not 20 minutes later I got pulled over by a bratty police officer who was dying to know if by some miracle I was going to his house party after he got off work. Joke. He was wanting to know the exact address of the pal I was going to visit stating "I have a lot of buddies in the area and might know the dude."

Unfortunately for me- I have a long commute to work. I used to L.O.V.E driving. Not only was it a release but also kind of an extra curricular activity. Lately- I hate it. I don't know how I'm going to survive driving to and from work another 48 days. Getting to work at 6:45am isn't the easiest thing. A few months ago I was pulled over for speeding. I was allegedly going 50 in a 40. I had a hard time believing this because the school zone that I work in is 40 when the lights are flashing. However- it was true. BAM. I get a $237.50 ticket. Yay.

Fast forward a month.

I was driving along, listening to my "Dear John" book on CD when out of the corner of my eye I saw red. When I looked over to investigate I saw a red car switching into my lane without looking. I slammed on my breaks, went into the median, fish tailed into the other side of the road, and then did a donut back into the median proceeding to skid across the muddy grass while taking out 3 saplings before I stopped. Did this tool stop? No. Was his car flung into doom? No. Thank you momentum. All I have is a dent on my quarter panel so I guess it could be worse.

I'm beginning to wonder if I need to break out my old license plate cover. People need to learn to Yield to the Princess again! Ya Heard?!

How You Doin' 2010?!

... spoken in my best Joey voice!

Well, we've said: Peace Out 2009 and it's time to say, Hello to 2010! Two thousand and nine wasn't the best year ever, but I did learn some very valuable lessons. In the words of Rhianna- Live your life, heeeeyyyyayyyaaaa. Cough.

We've all got that "live life to the fullest" mentality lately. None of us want to let one little second go by. I think this is a pretty great way to trot through life with if you're willing to be realistic. I can't tell you how many boys I've dated or chicks I've run into that feel that "living your life to the fullest" means you can't plan anything. Um... how do you have goals if you don't *plan* anything? No, I have no flipping clue what tomorrow or next weekend will bring me, if it brings me anywhere, but I can certainly plan a spa weekend away with my girlfriends. Don't be ridiculous people! I can understand not wanting to plan a trip to Europe 4 years from now with your new girlfriend, but plans for next weekend look pretty safe, Dude. Let's not confuse being a commit-a-phobic with someone who is trying to live their life out right.

Okay, Okay! ....stepping off and backing away from my soap box...

I try to live my life like Linus on the Peanuts Gang. He's an inspiring little thing. He's got no problem being insightful and truly enjoying his life. He's always confident, driven, and got an answer- if not- he finds one. And he's probably a damn good snuggler with that blanket. Just sayin'. With that said I've made a list of things I hope to aim for and accomplish in 2010! Call them goals, call them dreams, call them resolutions, or call it a bucket list. I'm already in full swing!

1) Make my bed everyday. This is harder than I thought. My friend, Suzanne, always makes her damn bed. I can't tell you how awesome it is to climb into tight sheets. GREAT Resolution.

2) Buy a house in 2010! I'm already off and running on this one. I've gotten pre-approved, various agents helping me, and lots of houses to do "drive bys" with. It's both exciting and scary. It's probably about time I officially make Charleston my home. Perhaps I'll allow myself to drop a few "y'alls" every now and then!

3) Private Practice. Not the TV show. I've decided that someday I'd like to have my own practice. Now I'm not saying tomorrow, but in the future somewhere. If you know me personally, you know I don't like to get bossed around nor do I love rules. Doing my own thang is right up my alley!

4) Bust out my painting skills. I've started to dive into acrylic painting and I'd really like to branch out with that.

5) Expand my photography hobby. I've just purchased a badass camera, Canon T1i Rebel. That doesn't include all the lenses, software, books, and tripod I've recently collected. Move the F over Ashton Kutcher.

6) Last year I worked towards expanding my taste buds. In the past year I've eaten some AMAZING dishes. Not gonna lie- I had my napkin ready to eject some questionable meals but I was always pleasantly surprised. I plan on expanding my cooking skills with these yummy excursions. I love to cook but would like to see more adventure in my frying pan!

7) No Maybes. I repeat- NO MAYBES! This is something I started towards the end of 2009. No Fucking Maybes. My poor friend Allison has to hear me say this all the time. I am NOT. Will NOT. Choose NOT to pursue anything that is a "maybe." That goes for a house purchase. Car purchase. Job choice. And especially when it comes to MEN. (Although if you could purchase those it might be easier!) So, Goodbye Mr. Maybe. Hello, Awesome Job. Nice to meet ya Perfect House!

8) Travel. Travel. Travel. I've started this interest in traveling about a year ago and have really started to buckle down and try to plan out a few trips. Barcelona, Tuscany, Rome, Madrid, Paris, Greek Isles, London, Dublin, Australia, New Zealand, and Vegas. Haha. I have a pretty significant list for both abroad and national trips. Thanks to a friend, Boyd, I have a book of 1000 Places to Visit before you Die. Who's coming with me?!

9) Explore my own backyard. There is so much to do where I live! I've lived here 3 years and I've still yet to see everything! I've always been one of those people who wanted to soak up everything. I always want to know everything about everyone and every place. Any chance to soak up more of where I call home sounds good to me!

10) Chop. Chop. Chop!! I'm donating my hair for Valentine's Day. VDay (or D-Day to some) isn't just for couples. It's a day to show love to everyone! So, I've been growing out my hair since August in hopes of Donating it to a charity that will turn it into a wig for a Cancer Patient. I've yet to pick which Charity I want to donate to, which could mean I have to wait longer to donate depending on length requirements. But I tell myself I'm doing it "for Valentine's Day."

My New Year's Resolution: To make a new resolution or change with every significant event that occurs. As you know, last year was quite an emotional year. Looking back- I wish I had done something for myself after each event.

I want the hard times I face to inspire me to grow more and help me to appreciate the few seconds of Life I have left. In the big picture, all we've got are just a few moments together. So, toss out your "maybes" and start laughing and smiling more. Get out there. Go on!

"Everybody is just a stranger.

But that's the danger in going my own way.

I guess that's the price I'm going to pay, everyday.

Still everything happens for a reason. It's no reason not to ask myself:

Am I living it right?!"

- "Why Georgia?" John Mayer

Cool Facts about My Blogging

While you're waiting...

You know it's almost been a year since I've been blogging. I don't need to post a blog that reflects the year as I've done so with my Peace Out 2009 blog. But, I will write a little "cool facts" blog!

You may not know this but I can't blog without a song that inspires me. I could be writing about the happiest moment of my life- but I can't write about that until I'm inspired to. I generally put that song on repeat and listen to it while I write. This is why you'll see quotes at the top or bottom of a blog. A perfect example is the blog I plan to write with my 2010 goals and dreams. Well it's January 9th and I still haven't started yet. It just needs to be right.

Did you know I have 16 potential blogs saved? I don't post everything. Imagine if I did? You'd stop reading! Some of it is a bit too harsh for some eyes to read. I use writing as a form of therapy. I've got no issues pouring out my soul but I do have to censor my posts for those hearts that are a bit more vulnerable.

Out of those 16 blog potentials, 7 of them are work/therapy related. I will never write about a specific client but perhaps different therapies I've found to work. Why have I yet to post these? Well because the population that reads my blogs are those who have personally crossed paths with me, not professionally. I figure someday I can start posting them.

I do about 98% of my writing after midnight. If you went to graduate school with me you'll probably know better than most that my best work comes from late night hours. I'd start a report, project, presentation, or studying for finals Midnight the night before. Go ahead- ask the girls if they liked my presentations!

I also haven't written a blog without Nova by my side. Including this one. That's just a fun fact. I can't say she's the driving force behind any blog, but she is the source of comfort for some of those more emotional pieces.

Finally- An inspirational song. "Why Georgia Why" By John Mayer. For those of you who don't know- I picked up and moved to Georgia to pursue a dream. That dream somehow landed me in Charleston, SC. The rest is history. Life just makes sense here. Every time I hear this song I feel alive, I feel inspired. I think of that chance I took and all the smiles I've had from the day I took off on this journey.

And we're off!

Black? Red? Pink? Nude? Nope- NAKED!

If you're on the world wide Internets and have indulged in Facebook today, I'm sure you wondered why there was a giant color wheel all over status central. Well Boys- you weren't alone. Girls who weren't clued in wanted to know too!

Messages spread like mad to the female Facebook population about posting their bra color. The task: Just post the color. No explanation needed. Why? To support Breast Cancer and perhaps raise some eyebrows in hopes of increasing awareness. Simple enough, right?!

While you were wondering what the Hell your girlfriend was talking about when she put up white and in-training- I was reading an array of status updates. First and foremost- 85% of you ladies are wearing nude bras. I'm shocked about that actually. Secondly- some of you girls need to sweeten it up for your men... just saying.

What was that you asked? What was I wearing? While I will buy anything in black, and force myself to wear nude every now and then, and while I love love love my reds- I posted the word: Naked. If you're an avid reader you'll know that I was cut open on November 2, 2009 to extract a 7mm "pea of doom" as I've recently dubbed the little asshole. On November 12, 2009 I got my results back. Benign. Unfortunately, I'll fall into the "naked" status until my ::hopefully:: last post operation appointment at the end of February. It seems that like EVERYTHING that ends up cutting me open, both figuratively and literally, I take a while to heal. Since the wound is still fresh in my heart and in my head- I wasn't about to hold back and be shy about posting "naked" to show my feelings and unconditional support.

I'd like to thank all the women who posted- even if it was just to make your boyfriend wonder what you were up to. I'd like to thank the men who let it drive them crazy and who then retaliated and posted their boxer colors. You at least made me laugh.

But... I'd like to ask all the women who made a big stink out of it to wake the Hell up! Yes, it was a forward act of awareness. But you girls, especially northern girls, are used to the brash and the blunt lifestyle. You've got no gripes dropping the "C-Bomb" when your best friend pisses you off. You've never cared who you've offended when you walked into a room of your friends and said "what's up whores?" But posting a simple color is somehow offensive? Weird. Especially since those that were posting were doing so in support for something that can claim us all. How dare we do such a thing!!!

Well snobby girls- stuff your bras with this: 4 days after I found out my tumor was benign I came across this article: Mammogram Age Pushed Back to 50. Excuse me? With all of the mothers, daughters, wives, sisters, cousins, and best friends dying of Breast Cancer you want to PUSH BACK mammogram testing? Oh... I'm sorry- you didn't know they were going to do this? Oh... so you weren't AWARE that they were planning on pushing back testing by 10 years. I'm not a rocket scientist but it doesn't take a flipping genius to know how long 10 years is. I had my lump-tastic experience at 27 years old. So you're saying you think I should wait until I'm 50 to take see if I'm lump free? I didn't invent the Internet but are you saying women aren't being attacked by breast cancer until the age of 50? I'm sure my friend Google would disagree.

Here's the deal: I've got views just like the rest of us. Maybe this is just one of them. But I've also got this thing called a backbone and I'd do whatever it takes to support a cause that means a lot to me. No one says you have to post a color to show your support. I agree that it's not for everyone. But you sure as Hell shouldn't run your mouth with negative comments about those who did want to show support that way. So you'll shake what your mama gave ya in your "Feel Your Boobies" skin tight t-shirt but gasp in horror at the post: pink with black polka dots?? Really?! Move over, Bitches- we ain't got time for hypocrites like YOU. We've got a race to win...

Peace Out 2009

"The broken clock is a comfort.

It helps me sleep tonight.

Maybe it can stop tomorrow,

from stealing all my time. "

- Lifehouse "Broken"

Disclaimer: As you've recently read, I am a big celebrator of life. I love to laugh, smile, sing in the car, be with the people I love and soak up every aspect of life. With that said- F Off 2009! GOOD RIDDANCE! This blog is not to whine and cry about a horrible year but is to inspire a better year to come.

You know- 2009 started off as the best year EVER! I found myself on a cruise ship outside of St. Thomas as the magical ball dropped in NYC, kissing 2008 away and kissing 2009 hello. Honestly, the best New Years I've ever experienced. Two thousand and nine was going to be great- I had visions of private practice, homeowner-ship, offers to research therapy products, moving trucks, travel, a growing relationship, family coming to visit, and every awesome second that I got to spend with those I care for! I couldn't wait!

Then I got my ass dumped the weekend before Valentine's Day. No one wants the girl next door- they say they do but most want some spontaneous sparkly bombshell of a girl who they can barely hold onto. Which is fine- we all deserve to get what we want. Even though I lack spark and blinding sparkle- I make up for that in personality and overall fucking amazing. As you read on you'll find some recanted statements from a few men... HA!

Anyway- pack up and move on. As I've said before- Accept.Adapt.Overcome. And for the most part I did. Started dating again, made some great new friends, and really got a chance to explore Charleston now that I wasn't away every weekend. My family came to visit and I'm pretty sure they couldn't understand why I love this city so much but I feel the same way about Massachusetts so we're even.

As you know, about 2.5-3 months of dating Mr. Awesome he decides its completely normal to run off and elope with a girl he's known 2 weeks. Again- she's a model and total party girl. See- BLINDING sparkly and a roller coaster. EVERYONE wants a roller coaster ride. Not me. Good Luck. And still I sit here and wonder... Canoe vs. Kayak?

So my contract was up at work and I had already declined to move to Greenville, SC to work for some heavy hitters so I took the offer to work at my same location for the following year. I figured that I'd be ready for anything given my previous year of legal issues and exploding cases. Ha. I was wrong. I applied for my national certification, my C's (aka the Golden Ticket), then applied for my state license. Apparently my "interpretation" of the date I started at wasn't the same "interpretation" that the state had in mind. I was given a "choice" of fraud or illegally seeing clients. Both of which are against my code of ethics and that I'd be stripped of both my state license and national certification, translation: I'd never be able to work again in the United States again if after my hearing they took my certifications etc. So what did I do? Called my last boyfriends Law Firm... and hung up. Then I called again... and hung up again. Got together with some friends that have grown to be more like family, Austin and Katie, and poured out my situation to them. Katie had the same "rip the roof" off mentality I had. Austin on the other hand told me to stop being such a northerner and sweet talk them and write as many apology letters as possible before calling The Law Firm and actually speaking to someone. I was also advised to stop calling and hanging up on people because "it's rude." So I took the "Austin Road" and wanted to throw up with humiliation the whole way. But- he was right, it was all "a big misunderstanding." Which it was, after all, a misinterpretation of dates. Lesson Learned: If you can lose your license/certification over a date then imagine what else you can lose it over. I document EVERYTHING. Even how many stickers I give out...

Work roller coaster ended and I was happy to get off that sucker. It was time to get ready for Melissa's wedding extravaganza! Lots of events were coming up in the next few months so I had to buckle down. Woke up one morning ready to tackle the world and felt a lump on my breast. The "this can't be happening" moment was lost with my stubbornness to carry on as if nothing was wrong. Others lives were growing out of control with happiness and mine was drowning in negative events. Scheduled my lump removal for the first week of November so that I could concentrate on all of the wedding excitement.

Like I've said... September is my worst month! Grr.

Woke up the morning of Melissa's wedding, for lack of a better explanation, paralyzed. I had a sharp, paralyzing pain shooting from behind my ear and down my neck. So painful that I was seeing stars and passing out. I take pain well, and you'll agree if you've ever seen my tattoo. After some excruciating moments I made it to the chapel, doped up on painkillers, and was able to party the night away. The next morning it took me about 2 hours to get out of bed. To the Emergency Room I go. Do they find anything? No, but they gave me some great painkillers. After seeing what I thought was a specialist- I'm told that my vertebrae is literally crushing nerves and that its crazy that I've gone this long without pain. After FREAKING out I decided to go for a second opinion which has recently unveiled that there is nothing wrong with my spine. Phew.

Had my "lump" removed. Benign. Had my stitches removed. And that's all I'm going to say for now. Where is an ambulance chaser when you need one? Document, Document, Document! Cool Fact- I have been wearing a band aid since November 2, 2009. BEAT THAT NELLY!!! The other cool fact is TMI for the manly readers of this blog. But I am FINALLY starting to heal and grow scar tissue. Ugly scar tissue- but it's growing and has pretty much fully closed. I have decided to give up my extracurricular streaking as I am kind of self conscious about my scar. Sorry Boys.

There is no need to get into my horrible flight experiences of 2009 since at this point I think its honestly ME that attracts such events. But I did have to have an in-depth eye exam yesterday. This summer I got my eyes examined for the first time since 2001 and my doctor noticed that I have a very large optic nerve which is a red flag for Glaucoma patients. This meant nothing to me but I scheduled a specialty appointment anyway. Well, I finally went to that appointment. After failing a visual fields test twice and almost identically, very large pupils, measuring my optic nerve, and taking pictures it looks like I'm going blind. (This is my diagnosis). I have been assured and promised that I won't go blind because we'll monitor this and watch the transformation of my optic nerve and friends every few months. During the first sign of changing I'll go on drops that allegedly prevent the total blindness that my optic nerve is headed towards. This is something common in patients over 60. I just turned 27. I blame 2009 for this.

In closing I'd like to tie back in with my first "woe is me" paragraph. The girl next door. None of you want her until you wake up one day and realize that's all you've ever really wanted. That you were too cool for school and thought the sequined covered roller coaster ride was a life long bundle of joy. You didn't take into account that drunken fights at 2am in the middle of the street weren't so sparkly. That someone who is off their rocker wouldn't be someone you'd want to raise your children. No, you didn't think about how there is just no depth and heart to that glitter covered girl. You were too wrapped up in the games and stupidly mesmerized by the chase. So what do you do? You call the girl next door, 3 years later, and tell her you've made a mistake and she's "the one that got away." Well- we've already known this. We always have. And you're a fool for waiting 3 years to say something you knew after you let the words "goodbye" leave your mouth.

Peace Out 2009.

Stay Tuned for my 2010 Resolutions and Life List contributions! I'm soooo excited to post a written list of goals, hopes, and dreams to work towards! Especially after this post! As much as this post sounds full of spite its more of a way to let go of 2009 and its heartaches and to close the door behind me. Thank you to those I love who have picked me up, made me laugh, and helped to heal my soul with every speed bump, road block, or train wreck. All of my perfect moments in 2009 were thanks to you. All my love, all the time. Always Always.

"In the pain...there is healing."

-Lifehouse