Fight from the Inside

"You gotta fight from the inside.

Attack from the rear.

You gotta fight from the inside.

You can't win with your hands tied."

-Queen

There are two things you should know about me if you don't already:

1. I don't like fighting.

2. I'm a fighter.

I don't have any idea why you'd find that confusing. Just because I don't like to fight doesn't mean I won't. I feel that I fall into that category of "I'll never start a fight but I'll finish it for you." I don't like when people come at me swinging and as a result I do a great job of flying off the handle.

I lay awake tonight for two separate events stirring in my brain. Through a mess of frantic thoughts, tears, and sad song playing- I've decided to blog about them. I've realized that the common link between the two is, obviously, fighting.

Event 1:

I've got a list of personal rules that I try to follow very strictly. Why? When I don't stick to my own rules I usually get to deal with fun things like guilt, grief, anger, and other roller coaster emotions. I know myself well enough to know that I suck at processing these emotions so I try to steer clear of situations that will ignite them. Unfortunately, I recently had an experience where I made a poor decision and it has resulted in quite a fabulous predicament. I have unintentionally let someone walk all over me in a personal relationship. For the past few days I've been stewing over this because I think it's an important thing to bring up because I do feel I was lied to and used. The problem is I do foresee a positive relationship with this person and I really don't want to create a mess if it's unnecessary. As the days pass I get more upset that I've let another day go by without letting this person know how I feel about their lie. Lying is a big freaking deal. There is no way to bring up this topic without it being a "big freaking deal." So, like a coward, I haven't brought up the topic because I don't want to fight. As I sit here and type this blog I'm getting pissed at myself because I'm not standing up for myself. I've been creating a negative feeling about this person and not giving them the opportunity to remedy this situation because I'm not willing to fight for and stick up for myself. Coward.

Event 2:

There are approximately 6ish days until September. If you read every blog, have stolen my diary, or have listened to me vent at all- September is the toughest demon I wrestle every year. Last year was no different and the 1 year anniversary of my invincibility cape falling off is just around the corner. I'm not ready.

Currently, I'm unemployed. I've got many jobs being thrown at me but I know what I'm worth and I know what is best for me so I'm not willing to settle on just any job. Technically speaking, I've spent my whole "adult" life on my career. I am, and know I am, a Badass at my job. My career is going to jump back on track in a short while and I'll be cruising again. Which is pretty stinking important because let's be honest- My damn career is ALL I have. Ya, ya, ya I've got my friends, family and Nova but other than that I have my... CAREER! Lately I've been feeling like I poured myself into this gig I've got and into nothing else that I dream about. I haven't tried really hard to find a sidekick, have children, build a family, or plan for the future. I've just let that part of my heart be pushed aside. When November finally arrives I'll be turning 28. As I sit here and think about where I once thought I'd be I'm sad to think that I'm behind "schedule." It was only a year ago where I told myself that I'd fight every.single.day for the life I hope and dream about. How did I forget? How could I have just given up so easily? It's true, I'm afraid of a social timeline. Even worse- I'm not following my dreams. Coward.

As I lay here thinking about how everything I want most is out of reach, I realize it's time to start a fight. I'm going to dive in without goggles and kick my legs with all I've got. I'm going to peddle as fast as I can while I ring my bell at cars. I'm going to yell, scream, bite, kick, and roar as loud as I can. I'm going to start a fight...

"You're in a lion fight. Just because you didn't win doesn't mean you didn't roar."

Do You Remember.....

... Dancing in September!

Or perhaps just surviving. Well so far I've made it. Today is officially the last day of the month! I've already jam packed my first few days of October with a "Mojitos and Stiletto's" event at Shine sponsored by my pal Hunter of Carolina Nightlife, dropping in on "Bowling for Autism" put on by Charleston School of Law, happy hour on Friday with my favorites ladys (who understands my daily battle!), Firefly Vodka Opening Party at Wadmalaw, and Dockside Fashion Show Charity event with Sarah Maxwell! All of these charities and sip habits will be followed by a bridge run with the lovely Megan- trying to keep our perfect parts looking PERFECT! Yay for October!

But also- Yay for sucking it up and making the best of a normally difficult month. I stated in one of my last posts that last September (2008), I was pleasantly distracted and really didn't have room in my heart to ache. After re-reading my own post I decided I'd actively try and keep busy- even if that meant learning how to knit. Which I haven't figured out yet for the record.

The month started off with a BANG as usual and is slowing down and leaving a more calm mark on my memories. The first two weeks of September were probably the worst two weeks of 2009. Or possibly the last huge chunk of my life. Move over heartbreakers and stupid boys, flat tires, and shrinking bank accounts. Helloooo Legal Trouble!! It's true. Not only was I convinced that I was about to dive into the legal ride of my life (again- move over future divorce if applicable), but I was pretty sure that I was going to need a new profession and obviously lots of tequila and tissues. I truly cannot remember a time where my stress level had elevated to such high areas. Like Austin said "This will Pass." And thankfully, for now, everything has been handled and hopefully DIED. You had better be knocking on wood as you're reading this!

Life turned upside down aside- it wasn't such a bad month, if you don't count the first two weeks. I did lots of exploring and event hopping with Allison and Erica this month! I've even thought of a few projects for at home and to do in the therapy setting! I've also started some research on Fluency Disorders and Selective Mutism! Go Me! I've even been crazy enough to apply for weekend jobs! I'm worried my medical setting therapy/evaluation skills are dying by the minute so I'd like to brush up on it by working!

I did think about those I love and miss but tried to spend those thoughts reflecting on more positive than negative thoughts. I did keep myself occupied during my crisis. I did refrain from crying until it was all over with. And I did blast the song "September" by Earth, Wind, and Fire every chance I got for inspiration.

What? I'm musically motivated!

Thanks to those who held my hand this month. Both literally and figuratively. You all provided me with some pretty strong glue in many forms and it worked! Much Love.