Fight from the Inside

"You gotta fight from the inside.

Attack from the rear.

You gotta fight from the inside.

You can't win with your hands tied."

-Queen

There are two things you should know about me if you don't already:

1. I don't like fighting.

2. I'm a fighter.

I don't have any idea why you'd find that confusing. Just because I don't like to fight doesn't mean I won't. I feel that I fall into that category of "I'll never start a fight but I'll finish it for you." I don't like when people come at me swinging and as a result I do a great job of flying off the handle.

I lay awake tonight for two separate events stirring in my brain. Through a mess of frantic thoughts, tears, and sad song playing- I've decided to blog about them. I've realized that the common link between the two is, obviously, fighting.

Event 1:

I've got a list of personal rules that I try to follow very strictly. Why? When I don't stick to my own rules I usually get to deal with fun things like guilt, grief, anger, and other roller coaster emotions. I know myself well enough to know that I suck at processing these emotions so I try to steer clear of situations that will ignite them. Unfortunately, I recently had an experience where I made a poor decision and it has resulted in quite a fabulous predicament. I have unintentionally let someone walk all over me in a personal relationship. For the past few days I've been stewing over this because I think it's an important thing to bring up because I do feel I was lied to and used. The problem is I do foresee a positive relationship with this person and I really don't want to create a mess if it's unnecessary. As the days pass I get more upset that I've let another day go by without letting this person know how I feel about their lie. Lying is a big freaking deal. There is no way to bring up this topic without it being a "big freaking deal." So, like a coward, I haven't brought up the topic because I don't want to fight. As I sit here and type this blog I'm getting pissed at myself because I'm not standing up for myself. I've been creating a negative feeling about this person and not giving them the opportunity to remedy this situation because I'm not willing to fight for and stick up for myself. Coward.

Event 2:

There are approximately 6ish days until September. If you read every blog, have stolen my diary, or have listened to me vent at all- September is the toughest demon I wrestle every year. Last year was no different and the 1 year anniversary of my invincibility cape falling off is just around the corner. I'm not ready.

Currently, I'm unemployed. I've got many jobs being thrown at me but I know what I'm worth and I know what is best for me so I'm not willing to settle on just any job. Technically speaking, I've spent my whole "adult" life on my career. I am, and know I am, a Badass at my job. My career is going to jump back on track in a short while and I'll be cruising again. Which is pretty stinking important because let's be honest- My damn career is ALL I have. Ya, ya, ya I've got my friends, family and Nova but other than that I have my... CAREER! Lately I've been feeling like I poured myself into this gig I've got and into nothing else that I dream about. I haven't tried really hard to find a sidekick, have children, build a family, or plan for the future. I've just let that part of my heart be pushed aside. When November finally arrives I'll be turning 28. As I sit here and think about where I once thought I'd be I'm sad to think that I'm behind "schedule." It was only a year ago where I told myself that I'd fight every.single.day for the life I hope and dream about. How did I forget? How could I have just given up so easily? It's true, I'm afraid of a social timeline. Even worse- I'm not following my dreams. Coward.

As I lay here thinking about how everything I want most is out of reach, I realize it's time to start a fight. I'm going to dive in without goggles and kick my legs with all I've got. I'm going to peddle as fast as I can while I ring my bell at cars. I'm going to yell, scream, bite, kick, and roar as loud as I can. I'm going to start a fight...

"You're in a lion fight. Just because you didn't win doesn't mean you didn't roar."

Liar, Liar, Your Pants are on Fire

"I wandered through Fiction to look for the Truth. Buried beneath all the Lies" 

-Goo Goo Dolls 

So- What's the biggest Lie you've ever told? The most earth shattering, heartbreaking, tear you up inside Lie you've ever told? 

A few weeks back I had a bunch of friends over for some drinks and good conversation prior to going out for the night. Somehow the subject of "lies" was brought up and someone asked that same question: What is the BIGGEST Lie you've ever told? Now- I will say this- Hands did not fly up in the air to volunteer! He-who-must-not-be-named volunteered the biggest lie he could think of on the spot. He told a story about a trip to Boy Scout Camp (or something) with a good friend. Along the way there they hooked their Gameboy's up and played against each other. At the end of the trip- they couldn't remember whose Gameboy was whose! One device had clearly been beaten up, the other looked brand new. So this person secretly carved his name in the battery cover of the newer Gameboy. Suddenly, "Hey Dude I just remembered- I carved my name in the battery case of my Gameboy!" 

Funny right? But life altering? Nah. Especially knowing that this person doesn't live a life of criminal behavior and constant deceit of those around him. We all do greedy or selfish things, however, some of us carry those behaviors throughout our lives. 

While I sit here and type this therapeutic piece- I cannot for the life of me think of the worst Lie I've ever told. I doubt it's because my friends and family read my blog. I'm sure there were many times I lied about cleaning my room when I shoved my toys under my bed instead. But, I think for me the biggest "lies" I've told are those things that I haven't told others. Those things I saw that I should have spoken up about. Things I've experienced but never leaked it to another ear. Or even those choices I've made and chose not to tell those whose lives were affected by my choice. Are those lies worse? Those things you don't tell the people you care about because you know it will hurt them? Is that a Lie? I'm not sure. 

Another thing I'm not sure about: Why do people Lie? What is the freaking point? Clearly I'm not talking about "little white lies" here. We've all been in situations where we had to openly confess or come forward with information that we knew would upset those the words fell on. But does it make you a hero to change the truth? Are you doing that person a favor by "shielding" them from this pain? No. People need truth. Why? Because they can't truly cope without it. Because that is what everyone searches their whole life for- Truth. You can't let someone live seconds, minutes, hours of their lives without the truth. It isn't fair. They alter their thoughts and lives based on the lie you've sold them. Then some rainy day down the road they fall face first over the truth that you've tried to protect them from. And for what? For YOU to sleep at night. For you to think you weren't the "bad guy". Or for you to feel the relief that you've gotten away without the person you love seeing the red paint on your hands. 

I work with children. Ages 3-14- sometimes higher. I get to see a good progression of lying. Generally speaking, the younger kids come right out and tattle on themselves. "I punched Johnny because he broke my crayon." Sometimes if you're lucky they'll assign themselves a punishment. Anyways, I digress. You know when they're 3 years old and lying about having gone potty in their pants. You know the truth before you ask the question. Or when they're in 2nd grade and they stole their pals bouncy ball- the smirk is usually a tell tale sign. But how do they progress from the smirk to lying to your face? How does it become such an acceptable thing? What is so acceptable about wronging someone you care about? I guess maybe that's the real question- Do you care enough about them to choose to do the right thing? To avoid temptation? To protect them by NOT wronging them? Or is it just human nature- some innate part of all of us?

Who knows. I do know that it would be much easier if people's pants really caught on fire after they told a big Lie! So if you've lied about where you've been, who you've been with, what you were doing, how long you've been doing it, how you feel, or if you've held back answers to someone's unasked questions- knowing they need to hear the words... I hope you choose to be honest. I hope you choose to tell the truth. Maybe the pain it takes to speak those words will help you to make better decisions in the next round. To avoid hurting those you love by making the right choice the first time. We've only got so many moments in life- we might as well live them the honest way. 

Next Question: What is the nicest thing you've ever done for someone? The most heart filling, ground shaking, mountain moving, life changing thing you've ever done for someone? 

Having trouble? Maybe that should tell us something....

"So live like you mean it. Love 'til you feel it. It's all we need in our lives." 

- "Before it's too Late"  By: Goo Goo Dolls