Fight from the Inside

"You gotta fight from the inside.

Attack from the rear.

You gotta fight from the inside.

You can't win with your hands tied."

-Queen

There are two things you should know about me if you don't already:

1. I don't like fighting.

2. I'm a fighter.

I don't have any idea why you'd find that confusing. Just because I don't like to fight doesn't mean I won't. I feel that I fall into that category of "I'll never start a fight but I'll finish it for you." I don't like when people come at me swinging and as a result I do a great job of flying off the handle.

I lay awake tonight for two separate events stirring in my brain. Through a mess of frantic thoughts, tears, and sad song playing- I've decided to blog about them. I've realized that the common link between the two is, obviously, fighting.

Event 1:

I've got a list of personal rules that I try to follow very strictly. Why? When I don't stick to my own rules I usually get to deal with fun things like guilt, grief, anger, and other roller coaster emotions. I know myself well enough to know that I suck at processing these emotions so I try to steer clear of situations that will ignite them. Unfortunately, I recently had an experience where I made a poor decision and it has resulted in quite a fabulous predicament. I have unintentionally let someone walk all over me in a personal relationship. For the past few days I've been stewing over this because I think it's an important thing to bring up because I do feel I was lied to and used. The problem is I do foresee a positive relationship with this person and I really don't want to create a mess if it's unnecessary. As the days pass I get more upset that I've let another day go by without letting this person know how I feel about their lie. Lying is a big freaking deal. There is no way to bring up this topic without it being a "big freaking deal." So, like a coward, I haven't brought up the topic because I don't want to fight. As I sit here and type this blog I'm getting pissed at myself because I'm not standing up for myself. I've been creating a negative feeling about this person and not giving them the opportunity to remedy this situation because I'm not willing to fight for and stick up for myself. Coward.

Event 2:

There are approximately 6ish days until September. If you read every blog, have stolen my diary, or have listened to me vent at all- September is the toughest demon I wrestle every year. Last year was no different and the 1 year anniversary of my invincibility cape falling off is just around the corner. I'm not ready.

Currently, I'm unemployed. I've got many jobs being thrown at me but I know what I'm worth and I know what is best for me so I'm not willing to settle on just any job. Technically speaking, I've spent my whole "adult" life on my career. I am, and know I am, a Badass at my job. My career is going to jump back on track in a short while and I'll be cruising again. Which is pretty stinking important because let's be honest- My damn career is ALL I have. Ya, ya, ya I've got my friends, family and Nova but other than that I have my... CAREER! Lately I've been feeling like I poured myself into this gig I've got and into nothing else that I dream about. I haven't tried really hard to find a sidekick, have children, build a family, or plan for the future. I've just let that part of my heart be pushed aside. When November finally arrives I'll be turning 28. As I sit here and think about where I once thought I'd be I'm sad to think that I'm behind "schedule." It was only a year ago where I told myself that I'd fight every.single.day for the life I hope and dream about. How did I forget? How could I have just given up so easily? It's true, I'm afraid of a social timeline. Even worse- I'm not following my dreams. Coward.

As I lay here thinking about how everything I want most is out of reach, I realize it's time to start a fight. I'm going to dive in without goggles and kick my legs with all I've got. I'm going to peddle as fast as I can while I ring my bell at cars. I'm going to yell, scream, bite, kick, and roar as loud as I can. I'm going to start a fight...

"You're in a lion fight. Just because you didn't win doesn't mean you didn't roar."