Marshall, Marshall, Maaaarshaaallll!

Dear Reader,

If you know me, then you know I'm not the biggest fan of flying. I always have "great" things happen to me. Like missing a plane, suitcase lands in Alaska, stranded in an airport, plane tries to take off- aborts- goes off runway, and having to take the Amtrak instead. 

Well my recent flight home to Massachusetts was no different. I knew when there was traffic on 26E heading home at 2:30pm that I wasn't going to have a good traveling day. Not only did I sit in traffic but missed the chance to get margaritas with my roommate because I was so late getting home. Instead- right to the airport I go.

Flight into CLT wasn't so bad. Especially since it lasted all of 30 minutes. Arrived at my gate in CLT and found out that our plane had "maintenance issues" that were being looked at. This is my red flag for "don't get on that flipping plane." So I prepared myself for the run that I've done MANY TIMES... the run to the US AIRWAYS desk to get another flight out before its too late. Mind you- US Airways is the same branch that got me stranded in Philly March of 2007. (Thanks Guys!). So they come over the loud speaker and tell us that our plane is a no-go and that they will get us a new one. This plane is PACKED. If you've learned anything from me its that: Weather=no fault, Plane Problems=reimbursement. So they'd have to reimburse all of our tickets and put us all up so they chose to pay the fine Providence would charge for them coming in so late. 

Fast Forward. Time to board. Weirdo next to me with crazy hair is LICKING his Kit Kat Bar and breaking pieces off with his long finger nails. Gag. PS- He's like 35. 

Got a new plane. Got on the plane. Huge black guy sitting in my seat (We'll call him Brutus). Ok fine, I'll sit in the middle. He claims he wants to sit next to his family who doesn't seem to even know him. Awesome. I look up, and there he is. Crazy Kit Kat Man. Where is he supposed to be seated? NEXT TO ME!! He approaches Brutus and says "wah wah that's my seat!" And Brutus gives him the family talk and just tells him to sit in the place he was originally assigned. Well someone ELSE is in THAT seat. Poor Kit Kat. So Kit Kat ends up sitting DIRECTLY in front of Brutus. As we take off Kit Kat is leaning over the other two passengers in his row to wave out his window. He's waving to the rest of the planes passengers. And he's trying to start the 99 bottles song. So I decide I'm going to fake flick the back of his chair because he is annoying me and I can't actually put my hands on him. Brutus disapproves. "Deal with it" I thought to myself. 

Beverage Time. Flight Champs come through with the cart. But they can't get by Kit Kat. Why? Because he is PASSED OUT IN THE AISLE! They have to manually move his body back into the chair. He bobs his head a little and then passes out again. AWESOME. So they scoot to the front of the plane and work their way back to us. Again, Kit Kat is in the middle of the aisle. So one lady attempts to wake him. No go. She is literally throwing his body saying "SIR ARE YOU ALRIGHT?!"  Great, he's dead, I say to myself. He comes back to life somehow and then starts licking and kissing their cart. I wish I was joking. Lady who just shook the life out of Kit Kat takes off and comes back with a weird looking can that she places on Brutus' tray. Odd. Then she hands him an Orange Juice and says "in case it's not what we think." So I imagine the OJ is in case he has diabetes or something and they are thinking something else. Five minutes later Brutus has this contraption on his tray that looks like a seatbelt restraint. Where the frig did that come from? 

Kit Kat lets out this loud sound, a yell perhaps, and I cringe. Brutus says to me: "Are you alright?" I shook my head yes. Then he says: "Not for nothing but you're the safest passenger on this flight." Great, another creeper. He then proceeds to ask "Do you have any idea what is sitting next to you?" I'll take Creeper for 500 Alex! He elaborates and tells me he speaks 7 different languages, is on a plane all day, everyday, and originally sat in my seat to watch the tattooed man in front of me but instead was blessed with our beloved Kit Kat directly in front of him. He also notifies me that if something is to happen I am to stay calm and protect myself and not assist him in his "job." 

Lady comes by and talks with Brutus about protocol. Brutus mentions a pipe and I'm hoping I didn't miss the word bomb after that. Flight Ends. Kit Kat gets wild. WHAM, Down he goes. Brutus to the Rescue. 

When all is said and done and I deboard the plane Brutus asks me if I want him to get Kit Kat's number for me. He says that we'd be a match made in Heaven. Then we laugh. He says take care and that everything happens for a reason. I agree.

Little did I know that would be the theme for the next few days... But I'll blog about that another time.

Get in the car and my Mum starts driving us home. I tell her that I'm going to die today and she says "shut up." I tell her about the plane issues and flight problems. I tell her how I ran over an alligator and got pulled over. She hits a deer 4 seconds later. Smashes the headlight, hood, front quarter panel, passenger door and window. It's a good thing her car is brand new.  We make it home alive and I can't help to think what's next...