One morning Nova decided to go Cujo on the front window. Then hurdled into the thinking chair in the office. Then zoomed back to the front window. I innocently peered out and gasped. A TURKEY!! A freaking turkey was in the yard. Then I noticed this weird tendon dangling out of its beak. Oh no, not a turkey. A turkey Vulture perhaps, no gobble gobble. An entire skinned squirrel was laying on the sidewalk for a Sunday morning dissection lecture. Don't worry, the bird kindly moved it into the grass and then took off and left the corpse. I thought about moving it but gagged every time I went by the window. Look out for bones.
I also wanted to literally KILL a mockingbird. No Joke. Everyone knows I freaking HATE birds. Mockingbirds are officially number one on my list, move over seagulls. Not only do they make this horrid noise all night. But they are clearly trained suicide bombers. Innocently, I emerge from the house wanting to potty Nova. And zoom. I get dived at. Not only is this bird diving at us... but it is CHASING US! Never did it make contact but it dove at us all the way around the dumpster and back! To Kill a Mockingbird? I concur.
I also may or may not have run over an alligator. I can't be sure that it was an alligator, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't a crocodile. See, I was zooming along at night and noticed all these little eyeballs on the right hand side of the road. DEER! So I thought I'd move to the left lane. As I'm scooting along I see miscellaneous little friends splayed out in the middle of the road. So I decided to slow down so that I don't turn into a modern day Santa Sleigh, Toyota Edition. I slowly approached a long bend in the road and noticed what looked like a tire flap in my lane. To the right- Deer! So I decided I'd have to take one for the team. As I got on top of the tire flap I saw an eyeball move. I'm pretty sure I yelled ALLIGATOR! It clearly didn't hear me as I launched myself into the air. Nova woke up, groaned. I freaked and did 4 Hail Mary's.
I do also recall getting pulled over. In fact, let me go and get the love note I was written. Oh yes, 64 in a 45. Strange because you'd think the alligator dragging behind me would have slowed me down some. Anyways- we got into this whole song in dance about how fast I was going, how I didn't know the area or the speed limits, and about where I was headed. Nothing I answered seemed to satisfy Sammy Safety. Whatev. He came back to inform me that there were no other violations on my tag and that I was going to get a written warning. 5 Hail Mary's later I thought to myself- Well Duh, I've only had SC plates for 8 months. That and I've only ever gotten warnings. Never was I asked if I had been drinking. Strange. Now that I'm looking at this love note I'm noticing that he failed write "Hottie" on here. Men in uniform ALWAYS love me as we've documented countless times. Rude.
So I've been waiting on some packages from my new favorite addiction, etsy.com! I sauntered out to the mailbox yesterday, opened it up, and SURPRISE! A package! Not only was there a package but there was this blown glass type thing on top of the mail. It was this gorgeous shamrock green with some ribbons of gold flecks swirled throughout it. I picked it up and noticed that one end of it was broken. What the heck is this? I noticed this black residue type stuff on one end of this contraption. Like the girl who shouldn't press the red button- I stuck my finger in it. Whaaaat the.... POT! I threw it back in the mailbox and ran inside. I then proceeded to call for legal representation. Kelsey picked up: Yo Yo What Up (well practically). So I said "I need you to wear your pre-lawyer hat for a minute." I told her that there was a bong in the mailbox. She proceeded to ask if there was water all over our mail which was so strange to me. Water? Apparently bongs use water or something. So no, it wasn't a bong. I then called it a pipe (to later be informed that it was actually a bowl- like I freaking know the lingo). I was then instructed to dispose of it in the dumpster nearby. Hopefully Grissom and Stokes don't CSI that piece or I'm donezo! Although I love me some Nick Stokes! I returned from the disposal mission and decided to check the neighbors mailbox for the missing piece. She's an older British woman and I didn't want her having a heart attack in the driveway if the other half was in her mailbox. I'm pretty sure whoever put it there was watching me out the window. Mount Perfect Punk'd.
On Sunday, our Holy Day, the stripper house decided to show some skin. On the pavement of their driveway lay some scantily clad ladies smothered in cooking oil. As if the half naked display of a van isn't enough to cause accidents, we now have the real thing in the driveway. Across the street are the hot guys moving out. You know, the orthopedic surgeon that I never got the chance to test drive- THAT house. So cars are going off the road, couches are being dropped, and Nova is growling at the cellulite show outside. Paradise.
I must confess that there may have been a few days where I jumped on the couch in my panties. And by few days I mean many. And by many I mean every. Details, Details.
I also may or may not have sent a picture of my ass to some undisclosed recipients. Memory fades me. I have a tiny hiney and decided it might lift up someones saggy day. Isn't it ironic, Don't you think? Rave reviews of course. Even after it took me 25 minutes to get both cheeks in the picture. For the record- this all stemmed from me trying to take a picture of my tattoo so I could send it to shops in hopes of them being able to update my ink. Hey- it sounded believable!
This could be most boring letter yet. It sounded so much more comical in my head than it does typed out. Could be that I spent approximately 4hrs with lawyers and countless hours prepping for them. I've been run over and blind sided by a lawyer before and it won't happen again. Ever. Especially since I've upgraded extracurricular activities... SWS!
Sincerely,
Karen
PS- Our toilet's still broken... take two. HA.
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