The main book I've cracked open is called "Codependent No More"- By Melody Beattie. She writes a lot of books on the subject. A friend of mine recommended this book to me after a crappy break up. Ok- all break ups are pretty crappy. Whatev. Anyways- I tend to fall into this groove of nurturing people and its growing to be an unhealthy groove to be in. There's nothing wrong with helping others, however, it's not healthy for me to dedicate every ounce of soul I have to someone who in return doesn't reciprocate the feeling. The unhealthy part tends to be when I know that the person I'm dating doesn't want to admit that they're dating me, or to not "allow" pictures of us put up, or any chatter about our relationship, and yet I just write it off as something else (in their benefit) and put up with something I know isn't fair. Other relationships have been based entirely on the fact that their dependency on things like alcohol or drugs creates my dependency on helping or even saving them. Again- Unhealthy. So this book should help me channel my heart and nurturing skills in better ways.
I always find myself feeling responsible for taking care of the other person in the relationship. Almost like I feel more responsible for their survival through life than for my own. Which then creates this uneven scale of things with one person putting in 100% and the other person wondering around checking out other products on the market. :)
I don't know why I always feel the need to play superwoman, but I do. For those of you that don't know, my dad is an alcoholic who has successfully completed his 21st year sober! He couldn't have done it if he wasn't ready to, if he wasn't strong enough, and if he didn't have the people he loves behind him 100%. Perhaps this all stems back to when I was little and making up excuses for why my dad might not be home. Perhaps I made up those excuses because even at 5 years old I was already molded into the person I grew up to be. We all know (or we will now) that I used to have this little "Moth Hospital" where I'd save squished ants, dying moths, and chopped in half worms trying to bring them all back to life. With that said- We're all doomed, well I'm doomed. The Fates have decided that it is my life long habit to assist those in need, I just have to learn to make sure they want the assistance before I arrive with my cape on. Because not everyone thinks the cape is cool. Clearly THEIR problem.
Anyways, I haven't finished the book but it's given me a lot of insight to myself and to others. My main goal in life IS to help and care for other people. That's what I spent 7 school years learning about, and what I've molded my career into- changing peoples lives. I just have to learn how NOT to neglect my own life in the process.
To be continued...
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