...and the world goes 'round, again.

September First.

I haven't written in almost a year. But just like every September, I count my blessings.

I walked the Cooper River Bridge tonight to watch the sunset. I thought it would be a refreshing way to recap my year, and close the first day of September. There is nothing more breathtaking than standing at the top of the bridge and watching the pinks, purples, and oranges swirl together over the water and fade over the various steeples in town.

I've been reflecting almost daily for the past few months. I started a new career path in May and started working solely with the Geriatric population. Every.Single.Day I am reminded of how precious life is. Watching these people smile, breathe, laugh, and ache puts a lot into perspective for me. Once upon a time- they were ME! They were driving around, gossiping with girlfriends, fighting with boyfriends, and eating bad carbs. And someday- I'll be THEM! I'll be remembering my college days, reliving my wedding day, laughing with my grown children, and saying whatever I want. These are things that are so hard to grasp for me sometimes because I don't live in reality. I don't.

Just recently I was shopping downtown and the College of Charleston students were moving in. I was instantly thrown back to the days when I was moving into college and graduate school. Then I realized- I'm never going to be there ever again. Never. Thinking back to my childhood makes me feel miles away from the little kid I used to be. I can only imagine how some of my patients feel. Some of them have been Married for 70 years. MARRIED! I haven't even been ALIVE for 30 years.

The world is just so magical and overwhelming at the same time. Life is overwhelming. All of the things you could be, or do is incredible. And yet some of us sit there and complain day in and day out. I do my fair share of complaining but to what I feel is a healthy degree. It always spins my head around when a mountain of sadness or tragedy lands on me. I instantly think about how terrible the situation is. Then I realize- people in the world are just going around like nothing is wrong. Like this amazing person that I have lost means nothing to them.

The world goes 'round. With or without me. Or you. It just keeps going. So what should we do about this? I think I'm just going to smile... and hang on tight.

Say When...

The Road

Life is a road, it's a motorway.

And the road gets rocky along the way.

But if it gets too smooth it's time to call it a day.

-The Kinks

Day 10. How do you feel? I feel... what do I feel? Content. I'd say I feel content. The world isn't crumbling at the moment, at least not from my window. Lately I have been feeling wishy washy about several things going on in my life. I've also been feeling guilty about my inner hatred for the month of September and I've been trying to find things to like about it. Meh...

Anyway... The other day I went to bed feeling lost. It's been a while since I've felt that way and unfortunately I couldn't pinpoint what it was that made this feeling fall over me. When I woke up the next morning I had one of Ernie's songs stuck in my head. For those of you not privileged enough to know who Ernie is... he's my dad and that's just what we all call him. Another story, another day. When I was little Ernie would play all sorts of music and I'd instantly get hooked on certain ones. Sometimes it was a catchy chorus, a riff played on a guitar, and even at a young age there were certain lyrics that just stayed with me. This particular song has struck me on all three levels. The song is "The Road" by The Kinks. (click to listen and load the video). My Ernie probably hates this song after the millions of times I've had him play it. I mean over and over and over again. It reminds me of when my little brother was at that stage- We had to listen to the "Summer of 69" by Bryan Adams for like 19 years. He's 20 now. For the record: I don't hate the Summer of 69 even though I've heard it more than 69,000 times. I should also note I don't hate my little brother (wink!).

After stomping through my day I finally decided to download the song when I got home. I can't tell you the feeling that rushed over me after hearing it. It made me think of my family, particularly my parents, who constantly ask if I'm going to move home. It made me think of my friends who still consistently bring up how "brave" I am for moving over 1800 miles away once upon a time. It made me think of all the times I secretly wonder if it was the best or perhaps the worst decision I've ever made. When you do something bold it doesn't always have to do with bravery. Lots of times it's laced with huge balls and stupidity. I still haven't quite figured out what the ingredients in my "bold move" was other than the need to chase a dream. Perhaps that all it needed to be. I've chased a lot of dreams since the day I packed up and moved to Georgia. I think about the dreams I chase now: Having a family of my own, becoming a parent, owning my own practice, and milking a cow. When I think of the experiences I've had, I know it was the best decision I've ever made. However, whenever things get bumpy I always regret my decision to live so far away from my family. Unfortunately, I've realized in the past year or two that moving back home isn't an easy fix for bumpy roads. In fact- it may not fix those pot holes at all but just make them even bigger.

I think hearing this song again made me remember where I am in the "big picture" of my life. It made me think of all the things that make me so very happy. Right now. Today. It made me think about the feeling I get when I think about my family visiting and how I feel about showing them parts of my life they don't get to see with their eyes. I thought about eating chocolate covered cherries with my Mum & Ernie and playing littlest pet shops with LeeLeese in the back of a 65 Chevy Nova. It reminded me of the rush I felt the first time I ran over the Cooper River Bridge.

Today, right here, right now- I'm exactly where I want to be. No, I haven't caught up with all the dreams I wanted by my soon-to-be-28-year-old life but I haven't done so bad. I get up and run with my pup. I eat fried green tomato sandwiches for lunch. I grab happy hour drinks with the pals. I tailgate the Hell out of football season. I laugh when my patients zoom by me on their motorized wheel chairs. I smile when it rains and when it's sunny. I Live.

So here I am, exactly where I need to be. Who knows where I'll need to be next year. Who cares. If there is somewhere that I'm meant to be... I'll get there. That's what The Road is for.

My Favorite Chevy Nova

"Some are Survivors

Some are Debris..."

-The Kinks

Fight from the Inside

"You gotta fight from the inside.

Attack from the rear.

You gotta fight from the inside.

You can't win with your hands tied."

-Queen

There are two things you should know about me if you don't already:

1. I don't like fighting.

2. I'm a fighter.

I don't have any idea why you'd find that confusing. Just because I don't like to fight doesn't mean I won't. I feel that I fall into that category of "I'll never start a fight but I'll finish it for you." I don't like when people come at me swinging and as a result I do a great job of flying off the handle.

I lay awake tonight for two separate events stirring in my brain. Through a mess of frantic thoughts, tears, and sad song playing- I've decided to blog about them. I've realized that the common link between the two is, obviously, fighting.

Event 1:

I've got a list of personal rules that I try to follow very strictly. Why? When I don't stick to my own rules I usually get to deal with fun things like guilt, grief, anger, and other roller coaster emotions. I know myself well enough to know that I suck at processing these emotions so I try to steer clear of situations that will ignite them. Unfortunately, I recently had an experience where I made a poor decision and it has resulted in quite a fabulous predicament. I have unintentionally let someone walk all over me in a personal relationship. For the past few days I've been stewing over this because I think it's an important thing to bring up because I do feel I was lied to and used. The problem is I do foresee a positive relationship with this person and I really don't want to create a mess if it's unnecessary. As the days pass I get more upset that I've let another day go by without letting this person know how I feel about their lie. Lying is a big freaking deal. There is no way to bring up this topic without it being a "big freaking deal." So, like a coward, I haven't brought up the topic because I don't want to fight. As I sit here and type this blog I'm getting pissed at myself because I'm not standing up for myself. I've been creating a negative feeling about this person and not giving them the opportunity to remedy this situation because I'm not willing to fight for and stick up for myself. Coward.

Event 2:

There are approximately 6ish days until September. If you read every blog, have stolen my diary, or have listened to me vent at all- September is the toughest demon I wrestle every year. Last year was no different and the 1 year anniversary of my invincibility cape falling off is just around the corner. I'm not ready.

Currently, I'm unemployed. I've got many jobs being thrown at me but I know what I'm worth and I know what is best for me so I'm not willing to settle on just any job. Technically speaking, I've spent my whole "adult" life on my career. I am, and know I am, a Badass at my job. My career is going to jump back on track in a short while and I'll be cruising again. Which is pretty stinking important because let's be honest- My damn career is ALL I have. Ya, ya, ya I've got my friends, family and Nova but other than that I have my... CAREER! Lately I've been feeling like I poured myself into this gig I've got and into nothing else that I dream about. I haven't tried really hard to find a sidekick, have children, build a family, or plan for the future. I've just let that part of my heart be pushed aside. When November finally arrives I'll be turning 28. As I sit here and think about where I once thought I'd be I'm sad to think that I'm behind "schedule." It was only a year ago where I told myself that I'd fight every.single.day for the life I hope and dream about. How did I forget? How could I have just given up so easily? It's true, I'm afraid of a social timeline. Even worse- I'm not following my dreams. Coward.

As I lay here thinking about how everything I want most is out of reach, I realize it's time to start a fight. I'm going to dive in without goggles and kick my legs with all I've got. I'm going to peddle as fast as I can while I ring my bell at cars. I'm going to yell, scream, bite, kick, and roar as loud as I can. I'm going to start a fight...

"You're in a lion fight. Just because you didn't win doesn't mean you didn't roar."

My Belated Chop Chop CHOP!

Sorry about the Delay...

For those of you that have seen me since Valentine's Day- You probably already know that I chopped my hair. For those of you that read this blog consistently- you probably knew this was coming!

For my 27th Birthday, I had asked my friends to donate blood instead of giving gifts etc. I truly want it to be something that people can do every year! If not for "my birthday" then for people in need, people who could one day be a family member or even themselves. I was floored when my birthday was approaching and I started getting lots of emails, picture texts, and phone calls with my pals pouring out a pint...of blood! In total I had about 11 friends that donated blood, and a handful of friends (those who couldn't donate) that donated to the local Cancer Center and Children's Hospital!

When I was thinking about everyone laying down for juice and cookies, I decided that I really should do something too! I've always had long hair and so I decided I'd donate my hair for Valentine's Day!

(Look Ma- No Make Up!)

After much research I had decided on Pantene's Beautiful Lengths. I ended up donating a total of 9.5 inches when my goal was 8! I hope to continue donating in the future! It may take some time to grow my hair back out but when I do my goal is 12 inches! Woot Woot! I'd like to thank Carrie McLeod from Salon Couture for helping me and giving me a Sassy Cut!

Yield to the Princess

I got my drivers license on November 17, 1999. It's official- I've been driving 10 years now. My friend, Lauren, got me a license plate cover to congratulate me on getting my license. It was pink and said "Yield to the Princess." If you know me well enough you know I am technically a Queen but I suppose at 17 I was only a Princess- so it was quite fitting.

My first time getting pulled over was December 31, 1999. I got pulled over with my little brother in the car, on our way home from buying "fake champagne" for our New Years Eve party. Fast forward to the officer walking up to the car. I thought the officer looked a little tiny but Hey- I'm not exactly a giant either. The officer started talking and I hear my brother yell from the back seat "ARE YOU A BOY OR A GIRL???" The horror. By some miracle I did not get a ticket but I did learn a lesson. Don't even pretend to speed.

Up until 2009, I didn't have hardly any issues with driving. Everyone has a few close calls when it comes to accidents but I had been doing great! The same can be said for getting pulled over and speeding tickets.

Bring on stupid 2009.

If you are an avid reader you'll recall my horrific run in with an alligator. Well technically I ran it over. Not 20 minutes later I got pulled over by a bratty police officer who was dying to know if by some miracle I was going to his house party after he got off work. Joke. He was wanting to know the exact address of the pal I was going to visit stating "I have a lot of buddies in the area and might know the dude."

Unfortunately for me- I have a long commute to work. I used to L.O.V.E driving. Not only was it a release but also kind of an extra curricular activity. Lately- I hate it. I don't know how I'm going to survive driving to and from work another 48 days. Getting to work at 6:45am isn't the easiest thing. A few months ago I was pulled over for speeding. I was allegedly going 50 in a 40. I had a hard time believing this because the school zone that I work in is 40 when the lights are flashing. However- it was true. BAM. I get a $237.50 ticket. Yay.

Fast forward a month.

I was driving along, listening to my "Dear John" book on CD when out of the corner of my eye I saw red. When I looked over to investigate I saw a red car switching into my lane without looking. I slammed on my breaks, went into the median, fish tailed into the other side of the road, and then did a donut back into the median proceeding to skid across the muddy grass while taking out 3 saplings before I stopped. Did this tool stop? No. Was his car flung into doom? No. Thank you momentum. All I have is a dent on my quarter panel so I guess it could be worse.

I'm beginning to wonder if I need to break out my old license plate cover. People need to learn to Yield to the Princess again! Ya Heard?!

How You Doin' 2010?!

... spoken in my best Joey voice!

Well, we've said: Peace Out 2009 and it's time to say, Hello to 2010! Two thousand and nine wasn't the best year ever, but I did learn some very valuable lessons. In the words of Rhianna- Live your life, heeeeyyyyayyyaaaa. Cough.

We've all got that "live life to the fullest" mentality lately. None of us want to let one little second go by. I think this is a pretty great way to trot through life with if you're willing to be realistic. I can't tell you how many boys I've dated or chicks I've run into that feel that "living your life to the fullest" means you can't plan anything. Um... how do you have goals if you don't *plan* anything? No, I have no flipping clue what tomorrow or next weekend will bring me, if it brings me anywhere, but I can certainly plan a spa weekend away with my girlfriends. Don't be ridiculous people! I can understand not wanting to plan a trip to Europe 4 years from now with your new girlfriend, but plans for next weekend look pretty safe, Dude. Let's not confuse being a commit-a-phobic with someone who is trying to live their life out right.

Okay, Okay! ....stepping off and backing away from my soap box...

I try to live my life like Linus on the Peanuts Gang. He's an inspiring little thing. He's got no problem being insightful and truly enjoying his life. He's always confident, driven, and got an answer- if not- he finds one. And he's probably a damn good snuggler with that blanket. Just sayin'. With that said I've made a list of things I hope to aim for and accomplish in 2010! Call them goals, call them dreams, call them resolutions, or call it a bucket list. I'm already in full swing!

1) Make my bed everyday. This is harder than I thought. My friend, Suzanne, always makes her damn bed. I can't tell you how awesome it is to climb into tight sheets. GREAT Resolution.

2) Buy a house in 2010! I'm already off and running on this one. I've gotten pre-approved, various agents helping me, and lots of houses to do "drive bys" with. It's both exciting and scary. It's probably about time I officially make Charleston my home. Perhaps I'll allow myself to drop a few "y'alls" every now and then!

3) Private Practice. Not the TV show. I've decided that someday I'd like to have my own practice. Now I'm not saying tomorrow, but in the future somewhere. If you know me personally, you know I don't like to get bossed around nor do I love rules. Doing my own thang is right up my alley!

4) Bust out my painting skills. I've started to dive into acrylic painting and I'd really like to branch out with that.

5) Expand my photography hobby. I've just purchased a badass camera, Canon T1i Rebel. That doesn't include all the lenses, software, books, and tripod I've recently collected. Move the F over Ashton Kutcher.

6) Last year I worked towards expanding my taste buds. In the past year I've eaten some AMAZING dishes. Not gonna lie- I had my napkin ready to eject some questionable meals but I was always pleasantly surprised. I plan on expanding my cooking skills with these yummy excursions. I love to cook but would like to see more adventure in my frying pan!

7) No Maybes. I repeat- NO MAYBES! This is something I started towards the end of 2009. No Fucking Maybes. My poor friend Allison has to hear me say this all the time. I am NOT. Will NOT. Choose NOT to pursue anything that is a "maybe." That goes for a house purchase. Car purchase. Job choice. And especially when it comes to MEN. (Although if you could purchase those it might be easier!) So, Goodbye Mr. Maybe. Hello, Awesome Job. Nice to meet ya Perfect House!

8) Travel. Travel. Travel. I've started this interest in traveling about a year ago and have really started to buckle down and try to plan out a few trips. Barcelona, Tuscany, Rome, Madrid, Paris, Greek Isles, London, Dublin, Australia, New Zealand, and Vegas. Haha. I have a pretty significant list for both abroad and national trips. Thanks to a friend, Boyd, I have a book of 1000 Places to Visit before you Die. Who's coming with me?!

9) Explore my own backyard. There is so much to do where I live! I've lived here 3 years and I've still yet to see everything! I've always been one of those people who wanted to soak up everything. I always want to know everything about everyone and every place. Any chance to soak up more of where I call home sounds good to me!

10) Chop. Chop. Chop!! I'm donating my hair for Valentine's Day. VDay (or D-Day to some) isn't just for couples. It's a day to show love to everyone! So, I've been growing out my hair since August in hopes of Donating it to a charity that will turn it into a wig for a Cancer Patient. I've yet to pick which Charity I want to donate to, which could mean I have to wait longer to donate depending on length requirements. But I tell myself I'm doing it "for Valentine's Day."

My New Year's Resolution: To make a new resolution or change with every significant event that occurs. As you know, last year was quite an emotional year. Looking back- I wish I had done something for myself after each event.

I want the hard times I face to inspire me to grow more and help me to appreciate the few seconds of Life I have left. In the big picture, all we've got are just a few moments together. So, toss out your "maybes" and start laughing and smiling more. Get out there. Go on!

"Everybody is just a stranger.

But that's the danger in going my own way.

I guess that's the price I'm going to pay, everyday.

Still everything happens for a reason. It's no reason not to ask myself:

Am I living it right?!"

- "Why Georgia?" John Mayer

Cool Facts about My Blogging

While you're waiting...

You know it's almost been a year since I've been blogging. I don't need to post a blog that reflects the year as I've done so with my Peace Out 2009 blog. But, I will write a little "cool facts" blog!

You may not know this but I can't blog without a song that inspires me. I could be writing about the happiest moment of my life- but I can't write about that until I'm inspired to. I generally put that song on repeat and listen to it while I write. This is why you'll see quotes at the top or bottom of a blog. A perfect example is the blog I plan to write with my 2010 goals and dreams. Well it's January 9th and I still haven't started yet. It just needs to be right.

Did you know I have 16 potential blogs saved? I don't post everything. Imagine if I did? You'd stop reading! Some of it is a bit too harsh for some eyes to read. I use writing as a form of therapy. I've got no issues pouring out my soul but I do have to censor my posts for those hearts that are a bit more vulnerable.

Out of those 16 blog potentials, 7 of them are work/therapy related. I will never write about a specific client but perhaps different therapies I've found to work. Why have I yet to post these? Well because the population that reads my blogs are those who have personally crossed paths with me, not professionally. I figure someday I can start posting them.

I do about 98% of my writing after midnight. If you went to graduate school with me you'll probably know better than most that my best work comes from late night hours. I'd start a report, project, presentation, or studying for finals Midnight the night before. Go ahead- ask the girls if they liked my presentations!

I also haven't written a blog without Nova by my side. Including this one. That's just a fun fact. I can't say she's the driving force behind any blog, but she is the source of comfort for some of those more emotional pieces.

Finally- An inspirational song. "Why Georgia Why" By John Mayer. For those of you who don't know- I picked up and moved to Georgia to pursue a dream. That dream somehow landed me in Charleston, SC. The rest is history. Life just makes sense here. Every time I hear this song I feel alive, I feel inspired. I think of that chance I took and all the smiles I've had from the day I took off on this journey.

And we're off!