Breaking out of the Groove

So I'm currently on Spring Break from work. Sigh- No Cancun trips for me. Plenty of rest and relaxation. This week I've been doing a mix of things. Done some studying on body language, tone, and eye contact (since I love language and the art of communicating). I've also started reading some self help books. I know- LAME. However, I hope they are beneficial to me!

The main book I've cracked open is called "Codependent No More"- By Melody Beattie. She writes a lot of books on the subject. A friend of mine recommended this book to me after a crappy break up. Ok- all break ups are pretty crappy. Whatev. Anyways- I tend to fall into this groove of nurturing people and its growing to be an unhealthy groove to be in. There's nothing wrong with helping others, however, it's not healthy for me to dedicate every ounce of soul I have to someone who in return doesn't reciprocate the feeling. The unhealthy part tends to be when I know that the person I'm dating doesn't want to admit that they're dating me, or to not "allow" pictures of us put up, or any chatter about our relationship, and yet I just write it off as something else (in their benefit) and put up with something I know isn't fair. Other relationships have been based entirely on the fact that their dependency on things like alcohol or drugs creates my dependency on helping or even saving them. Again- Unhealthy. So this book should help me channel my heart and nurturing skills in better ways. 

I always find myself feeling responsible for taking care of the other person in the relationship. Almost like I feel more responsible for their survival through life than for my own. Which then creates this uneven scale of things with one person putting in 100% and the other person wondering around checking out other products on the market. :) 

I don't know why I always feel the need to play superwoman, but I do. For those of you that don't know, my dad is an alcoholic who has successfully completed his 21st year sober! He couldn't have done it if he wasn't ready to, if he wasn't strong enough, and if he didn't have the people he loves behind him 100%. Perhaps this all stems back to when I was little and making up excuses for why my dad might not be home. Perhaps I made up those excuses because even at 5 years old I was already molded into the person I grew up to be. We all know (or we will now) that I used to have this little "Moth Hospital" where I'd save squished ants, dying moths, and chopped in half worms trying to bring them all back to life. With that said- We're all doomed, well I'm doomed. The Fates have decided that it is my life long habit to assist those in need, I just have to learn to make sure they want the assistance before I arrive with my cape on. Because not everyone thinks the cape is cool. Clearly THEIR problem. 

Anyways, I haven't finished the book but it's given me a lot of insight to myself and to others. My main goal in life IS to help and care for other people. That's what I spent 7 school years learning about, and what I've molded my career into- changing peoples lives. I just have to learn how NOT to neglect my own life in the process. 

To be continued...

In the Pain there is Healing...

It'd be easy to add up all the pain

And all the dreams you sat and watched go up in flames

Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain.

But not Me, I'm alive. 

-Kenny Chesney and Dave Matthews

"I'm Alive"

It's been about two months of soul searching, thought collecting, long runs, deep breaths, and comfort food. I've done a lot of journal writing, exploring, and throwing myself into things I traditionally wouldn't have entered into if you'd dragged me.

For 2 Months I have:

-Run at least 4 times a week.  Sometimes More. Sometimes miles. Sometimes all out sprints.

-I only ate Jalapeno Chips for 2 weeks straight. All Meals. Decided I better give 'em up for Lent.

-I have literally survived only on: Chili Cheese Dip, Break & Bake Cookies, Cheerios, PB&J, Frozen Pizza, lollipops, and starlight mints (which up until 2mo ago- I wouldn't ingest anything mint)

-I passed the hours by watching VH1's Reality TV Shows, CSI Marathons, and House Marathons

-For 2 weeks straight I only listened to Michael Jackson's Black or White. It was the only song I could find that didn't remind me of anything else. I officially have every version and cover of it.

-Avoided all things orange. Minus the Orange Juice I used to add tequila to on an almost nightly basis. 

-Prayed. Every.Single.Day. Sometimes All Day. 

Things I've Learned in 2 Months (that I probably always knew):

-I'm not broken. I'm not in repair. There's nothing wrong with me. There never was. 

-I can't save everyone. I can try. I will try. But not everyone feels they need to be saved. Some would rather let the mountains of life fall over them rather than grab onto my hand. That's their choice- not my doing. 

-Nova takes after me. She's Crazy and Quirky. I'm Crazy and Quirky. I wouldn't have it any other way- and neither would You.

-Know Your Allies. A heart is too sacred to leave it in the hands of others. Some are thick as thieves and suddenly your ears will hear how lovely your name sounds on their lips right before a lie or two spills out of their mouth. 

-Running away never solved anything. I'm glad I stayed still.

-I ramble when I'm nervous and then never remember what was said. 

-When my mind is cloudy and full- I make mistakes. I fuck up. Sometimes catastrophically. So far- I've been able to fix what I've done. Other times- my head barely reaches the surface. Thankfully- I've survived. This time.

-I turn heads. I should never allow myself to feel worthless, unnoticed, unwanted, or unloved again. Because that isn't true. I haven't made it 6 years with that type of mindset, and I won't make it another 6 if I continue on that way. 

-Timelines shouldn't exist. People shouldn't have them. I shouldn't have them. There is no set time frame for feelings, dreams, or life. My dreams will come true... just maybe not exactly when I wanted them to. 

-Accept. Adapt. Overcome. These are the only stages I've allowed myself to go through. I will not mourn. I will not grieve. I will not get angry. That's not how I operate- and there's nothing wrong with that. 

-In the pain there is healing.

-Although it may be painful, you know that Only Time Will Tell. 

More recently...

Every morning I wake up and play this song on repeat until I'm ready to take on my day. "I'm Alive" -Kenny Chesney and Dave Matthews. Sometimes I sing along, sometimes I just read over the lyrics, and other times I find myself repeating the chorus throughout my day. I don't think I'm the only one who should take these lyrics to heart. "I'm alive and well. And today you know that's good enough for me. Breathing in and out's a blessing- Can't You See?" I don't need to set off fireworks, parachute out of planes, play with fire, or wrestle dragons every day to live my life. Just breathing is a blessing and something I'm thankful for. At first I felt guilty for sitting on the porch listening to the waterfall, or walking along the beach looking at the moon. But then I realized that these things bring me an even stronger feeling of being alive than the short lived adrenaline rush I thought I needed in my life. Listen. Absorb. Learn. 

It's about the climb...

Dear Faithful Reader...

Which is probably just me... anyways. I've written about 6-7 new blogs since my last post but haven't posted any for various reasons. I felt some were too personal, moody, edgy, wordy, and open. So I decided to purchase an actual journal for those things that I feel I need to jot down in order to clear some space for the rest of my thoughts. I had two major themes: Things I was writing down because I wanted to remember them forever. Then things I wanted to write down because I never wanted to have to think about them again. I'm not sure either of those categories would have created healthy posts.

Originally I wanted this to be an updating outlet for those who are far away from me. I wanted them to know the things I was experiencing- adventures in personal and professional life. Instead the recent unpublished blogs turned into further exposing myself to the "elements" of life. I usually wear my heart on my sleeve but this was just complete carelessness on my end. I've decided I need to be a lot more protective of my heart and feelings both personally and professionally. Not everyone I encounter is going to care about me in the way that I can care for me- no matter how true of a person I want them to be. I also need to do a better job about separating my two different lives. No need to blend here!

I'm just a mountain mover. Always have been. For some reason or another I always find myself accepting the help of others to assist in this task when I know not everyone is capable. I've also got to remember that not everyone wants to be saved. All I can do is offer a hand to hold- the rest is their choice. A choice. 

"It's choice, not chance, that determines our destiny."- A

I heard this next quote last weekend and I thought it was perfect advise for me lately- (although if you know me- I prefer tigers)

"You're in a Lion Fight. Just because you didn't win, doesn't mean you didn't Roar..."- GA

And I did. With all I had.

 

Canoe vs. Kayak

Things that make you go Hmmm....

I've recently realized that there are many ways in which you can travel through life. 

Lately I seem to travel two ways: canoe and kayak. 

See- with the canoe (or in MY particular canoe) there is one paddle for each person. You have one, and I have the other. If one of us drops the paddle, the other can paddle as fast as they want but you'll only travel in circles. I'll probably freak out on you for losing your stupid paddle. You'll probably be sick of me saying that my arm muscles are crying. You'll tell people that we didn't arrive together we just ran into each other down the river. I'll tell people you secretly sabotaged the whole trip by throwing your paddle in the water so it could be just "us." Ohh the togetherness of canoeing. Yes- Canoeing. 

Then there's this kayak. It's quite an awesome kayak I might add. In that kayak I can stretch my legs out and take up all the space that vessel gives me. I can put a skirt on to prepare myself for the unknown possibilities of water pouring in- I decide. In this kayak- my paddles are hooked to my boat. Together. I control them both. I don't need to worry about the thoughts and predictions of my boatmate. I won't have anyone to blame but myself if the trip doesn't go as planned. I'll get to sing whatever random song I want without insult, choose which side of the waterfall I want to plunge down- just me! 

But sooner or later I'm going to have to choose a paddle to name Wilson because conversation with myself won't be as cleansing or fulfilling. I may even miss out on the sound of my own laugh if no one is there to inspire it. Sometimes two heads are better than one when it comes to conquering a rapid or killer whale that's found it's way into the river. And even silence is something you'd want to experience with someone else. If no one is traveling with you then no one is there to witness your life and accomplishments. 

I wish I could figure out what kind of boat I belong in. 

Canoe vs. Kayak

Happiness by The Fray

As I work on a few new blog thoughts- I thought I'd share a song that is currently resting on my soul. I 100% recommend their new self titled album. 

-Karen

Happiness

- The Fray

Happiness was just outside my window

I thought it'd crash blowing 80 miles an hour

But Happiness is a little more like knocking

On your door, you just let it in

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow

Let it be, you can't make it come or go

But You are gone, not for good, but for now

And gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard

Happiness was never mine to hold

Careful child, light the fuse and get away

'Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys You

Breaks Your faith to pieces on the floor

So tell yourself that's enough for now

But happiness has a violent roar

Happiness, it's like the old man told me

Look for it and You'll never find it all

But let it go, live your life and leave it

Then one day You'll wake up and she'll be home...

The Wizard of Oz

I think I'm dying. It feels like I've been zooming around in my Ruby Slippers for the past 6 months being the star of the show and then suddenly I'm skipping along, with a smile on my face, and a house just LANDS on me. Scratch that- I haven't been skipping around- I've felt swept off my feet since Day One- if anything, I've been floating. But still- a house just landed on me for crying out loud. Sky Opens. House Falls. Man Down.

Suddenly there I am, a different person, but still hanging onto the Ruby Slippers. I'm a whole new person who is walking around looking for answers, trying to understand, and hanging onto hope by a thread. I'm following this path that feels sickeningly familiar and frighteningly different all in the same moment. Except they're not yellow bricks- they're freaking orange. I'm somehow supposed to be realistic, hopeful, and have faith while all of these orange bricks are laughing at me. Like they've known my fate all along.

So I go on trying to figure out what I should leave behind and what I should pursue. Well it's more like- what AM I doing on this stupid road anyway! Thankfully I have My Dog Nova, although, she's not so little. Along the road I find my friends waiting with all sorts of ideas, answers, and company. Some think I need to grow a brain, others think there's an issue with my heart, and another feels I just need some courage to go on. Part of me thanks them and the other part of me wants to yell at them because I feel that I have all these things going for me- not against me. Umm helloooo- I've been walking down this path all by myself in the woods- I think that takes courage! Don't they know there are Lions and TIGERS and Bears out there? I have a heart, yes it may need repairing but I don't think it's "wrong." I don't think my heart misunderstood anything. Somehow it feels in need of an overhaul and huge repairs- but in the same breath- it's still beating, I'm still alive. Then there's my brain. I can't say they're wrong about this one. I always count on my thoughts and instincts heavily and right now- I don't have any. It's like I can hear the mice running in the wheels up there but they're not producing any products for me to grasp onto. I'm a "go with your gut" kind of Gal and all I know is that I don't want to be on this road. Other than that- I've got nothing. Well, I do have this pair of rockin' hot ruby red slippers but they don't seem to hold any weight either. They used to make me stick out and be the only person seen in a crowded room but lately it's just like I'm in Grand Central Station and they just don't sparkle like they used to. If they ever really did. I don't know.

Off I go into the sunset again. There's no rest for the weary- or so they say. Hunting for the Man with the answers. The Wizard of Oz. As I go along I start to wonder if there ARE any answers. Are they even answers I'd want? What are these answers going to change anyway? I have no idea. Someday's I think that an answer is all I need, others I wonder if I'd rather wander down this road without one. Erasing my steps as I go. Ignorance can be bliss.

Finally I find the Wizard of Oz, the keeper of all the answers. He's standing behind a curtain. A rush of new questions clog up my mice wheels. Things like: Why is he hiding? What is he hiding from? Is it me? What's behind the curtain that he doesn't want me to see? What should I say to him? What am I even asking him for? Why is there this curtain that separates us? Can he still see my Ruby Slippers through this thick and heavy curtain? I can't understand how this one thing, this one solid black curtain, can cut us off from each other and separate us in such a defined way.

As I'm reaching for the curtain I suddenly become aware of all this pain I'm feeling. My head hurts, my pride hurts, my heart hurts, and my feet hurt from these Ruby Slippers that I love. I rip the curtain open and suddenly my heart is on my sleeve, the mice wheels are spinning and my thoughts are spilling out of my head, and I'm scared to death. I can only get out one thing: "Should I take off My Ruby Slippers?"

And he says...

Yes, Karen.

So I was thinking... About creating a blog!

Clearly in the beginning stages but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I threw around the idea of doing something as more of a professional blog- perhaps to keep a log of things I'd tried in various therapy sessions or perhaps new articles I'd read. Then I decided that having a blog geared towards work could give me more restrictions when I was actually looking for an outlet! 

So- I may write about the wonderful world of Speech Language Pathology... or perhaps about the neighbor walking her cats on leashes outside the house. 

Stay Tuned.