"Go write a blog about it..."

The other day I called a friend of mine to play catch up. What does she say halfway into my funny story? "Go write a blog about it!! It's like a Karen Newspaper for Me!" So apparently I've created some monsters. Time to feed the animals:

Week at a Glance:

Monday, June 22, 2009- Happy Birthday to my Sister Pamela, and to Mr. Austin! After running a billion errands I called my sister, PJ, to wish her a happy birthday. I'm pretty sure we spent most of the time gossiping about men but I doubt you'd blame us. Then I received a takes from Austin saying BBQ Birthday dinner and I was THERE! First time at Jim 'n Nicks in downtown Charleston but it was the BEST Pulled BBQ Chicken Sandwich I've had. I always feel at home with Austin and his wife Katie and even though I had to spend time away from my family on my sister's birthday- I still felt like I was with family!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009- Bacardi Mojito Challenge to Sponsor the Special Olympics. If you know me- you know this is a cause that is not only tied in with my chosen profession but also is a huge part of my heart. AND if you know me BETTER then you'd know that I'm a Margarita girl- not a Mojito Girl! But I was willing to suck it up for a good cause. The event was held at the South Carolina Aquarium which was pretty neat. I had visited the fishies fairly recently but it was a great second time around, especially with a Strawberry and Jalapeno Mojito in my hand. The winning Mojito went to Coast (again). They had a strawberry rhubarb mojito with a splash of Pop Rocks. Yes, Pop Rocks. I think they won on sheer 80's factor but who am I to judge? Torch had my favorite with the strawberry and jalapeno mojito- but hey I like things spicy. 

Wednesday, June 24, 2009- A visit to the dentist. Hey- this is important! The last time I went to see "Doctor Dave," our family dentist, was in 2006. I'm somewhat of a fanatic about my teeth so I was pretty concerned I was loaded with cavities. Thankfully- NADA! Anyways- I got fitted for my TMJ guard after having been bugged by handfuls of complainers. Then got my teeth cleaned. Peaced out and went to get lunch. As I was sitting there enjoying my bagel sandwich I hear "HEY STRANGER!" Gasp who is this- all my friends have jobs and should be working. Don't worry, it's just my dentist. So not only did I not wait the 30 minutes to eat or drink anything like I was instructed to- but I of course have a Coke sitting right next to me. I clearly practice good oral hygiene. I decide to get over it, say hi, chat it up for a minute because he's got to go back to work and I have a doctors appointment soon. So- where does he sit?

Thursday, June 25, 2009- The day Michael Jackson Died.  I called my roommate Kelsey to break the news that her Hero has passed away. She tells me that it's just a stunt. You know- like the Tupac Stunt. I tried to be as forward as possible but damn CNN wouldn't confirm it and so I couldn't make her a believer. I went to get ready to watch my friend Gregg perform a show and my phone blew up with texts! People were communicating with MJ lyrics! Oh- and then I got a text from Kelsey saying "OMG HE DIED!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M SO SAAAAD!!"  I told her that she was too late and we've already booked a flight to his funeral. "Take me with you" is all she said.  

     Gregg's show was great, as usual. His band is Trump Card and they play a mix of rock/acoustic, cover songs, and originals. I have lots of his original songs on my ipod. It makes me feel cool. Gregg moved to Vegas back in January and was in for his wedding. Well and his brothers wedding. And his sisters wedding.

Friday, June 26, 2009- Michael Jackson is still dead. Shocking, I know. There is no other music on the radio. It's cool because I love MJ. I mean- I think he's a creeper but he's got the beat. Anyways, after some beach relaxation and reflection I felt like a new girl. My pals, Kate and Allison, hosted a great pool party that was just what I needed. Among chocolate cake. Yum.

Side Note: PBH. Paper Bag Him.

Saturday, June 27, 2009- Gregg and Missy get hitched! I was "supposed" to join some friends on Folly Beach but there just wasn't enough time in the day to get everything done! Instead, Nova and I head to IOP and got some energy out! Then it was to the doggie car wash at KJ and SVF's. After a much needed margarita with Kelsey we thought up a fun summer theme party and my job there was done. 

Fast Forward.

My oh-so-fabulous wedding date, Allison, and I were zooming along to the ceremony when I realized I was still wearing my stupid Nike Flip Flops. They do NOT match my vintage blue silk and satin dress. We finally get to the wedding and just missed the bride walking down the aisle. I am the worst BFF in the world. The bridge was beautiful. The Groom was ready. The day was PERFECT. The reception hall was gorgeous and the rest was a blast!

 A few awkward speeches and a couple of drunk girls later...

Drunk Girl Experience 1: Super wasted woman was grinding the wall. The cake hasn't even been cut yet people. We're all rocking out to MJ and she's trying to molest grandma- among other 5 year old's and family members. I was HORRIFIED! Fast Forward to Party like its 1999- I'm taking a sip of my wine and notice some people bolting to the dance floor. I look over and Drunk Girl is grabbing the bride and trying to molest her. I felt like I couldn't plow through chairs fast enough. Then I saw the umpire of the night point and say "You're Out!"  Thank God because I was paranoid I was next. 

Drunk Girl Experience 2: End of the night. We're dancing along and some married guy comes up to me and asks if I know Girl in the Blue dress. I let him know that not only am I wearing a blue dress but there are like 4 other women running around with the same color on. Not 10 minutes later is a girl in a blue dress hanging on me telling me to give her love. Married Guy comes over and says "THAT'S HER! Who is she?!" She mumbles her name. He says "Well she grabbed my balls and I don't think my wife is going to be happy about it." I try to diffuse the bomb by saying- she's really drunk and probably didn't mean it. Thank you Girl in the Blue dress for chiming in and saying "I did it on purpose and I'll do it again! Mmmm!". Save me Batman. 

Overall- Amazing wedding. Congrats to Gregg and Missy! Vegas here I come. Miss Allison and I left the wedding and crashed her roommates birthday party. Although- when we got there the boys were all tuckered out and snuggling in their beds. 90% of them sunburned- but who I am to say anything since I was monsooned on and looked like wet dog. Yes- I create my own verbs. 

Allison and I, being the only girls at the moment since Kate was working, learned something very valuable. "Cute" when said by a male, is a compliment. We were both living in the mindset that when you are described as "cute" that basically means you're not ugly but you haven't got a chance. Like the word "nice." And just like that, we saw the light.

Sunday, June 28, 2009- Beach it. Spent the day on the beach with Hunter and Allison. I've never been to the Windjammer before but it was an alright place. We nearly drowned a few times when we went swimming. Or that might have just been me.

 

There you go- your week at a glance. EVERYTHING can't be enlightening or extremely entertaining if I've got to blog about every millisecond. Let this be a lesson to you! I leave you with this-

Don't stop till you get enough! 

These are a few of my favorite things...

For most women, and plenty of men, shopping equals therapy. The sudden rush of a hot new outfit, or new set of wheels can temporarily take away the pain and frustrations of our current lives. I've never been a gal who will house a whole pizza because I'm upset. I'm more apt to sprint my brains out even at 3 in the morning. However, I have been known to use my credit card to try to ease the pain. While on a recent trip home to Massachusetts, I thought about some of the things I've accumulated due to heartache. While on the plane ride back- I made a list of fallen relationships and what I've rewarded myself with for surviving! And because sharing is caring... I'm blogging about it. Disclaimer: This isn't meant to be an evil blog, nor is it meant to attack those who have wronged me. I've LONG since forgiven. It's more of a "been there, done that, never again" reminder. And a pretty good list of where my savings account has gone to if you ask me. I've been advised not to write anything about my life that I wouldn't want my mother to read. Also- that I wouldn't want strangers over the world wide web to molest with their eyes. I feel I've done a great job meeting my personal venting needs and being classy as well. We all know it's only my opinion that matters anyways... wink! 

Numbah One:

High School/Pre College. Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater. He got a tattoo with some Chinese symbol of "loyalty" on his body. HA, Ironic? So I went and got a tattoo down my spine. That's right. 6 inches long, and 4 inches wide. Clearly I had learned bigger is better and was no longer willing to settle on the immoral souls that surrounded me. I've always loved tigers and felt the contrast between the strength of a tiger and the beauty/delicate nature of a butterfly fit my soul to a T! If you know about my moth hospital, this tattoo may open your eyes more! Surrounding my main feature are lilies. Not only is the Lily my favorite flower, but it's symbolic of innocence and purity. Why is this important? Because my name means the same thing.

Numbah Two:

Mid-Late College/Post College. Almost 3 years. Almost 2 years of living together. But Mostly Hell. I've created a hatred of blonde's because of this relationship and more importantly- ex girlfriends. It was always such a treat when we'd receive drunken 4am phone calls with new ways to improve their past relationship. New ideas to make the relationship work. And always pleading. Lots and lots of pleading and throwing oneself in front of the moving train. Oh well. Another possible cheater. Who else gets engaged to their ex girlfriend 3 months after breaking off a 3 year relationship with someone else? Told yah. Anyways- I got a puppy out of this one! Her name is Mia which means MINE in Italian. Mia is a great little pal and still glues herself to me when I fly home to Massachusetts! Now THAT is true Loyalty. It was really important that I fill my heart with someone who was going to love me regardless of my flaws. She was the girl for the job!

Numbah Three: 

Pre/partial Graduate School. Best friend. Seemingly Loyal. If you can't trust your best friend with your heart who can you trust? Goes far, far away for a long, long time. I once counted the amount of times we saw each other in the 9ish month time our relationship spent growing. Lucky number 21. During 6 of those 9 months I got 2 phone calls. Accompanied by about 1-2 emails a day. Towards the end of the relationship I'd get one every week or so. Which was mostly because he'd already started a relationship with someone else. Although he claims to have been "busy". I got my "Dear John" letter via email 5 minutes prior to my very first graduate exam. He's lucky I got a damn "A" and rocked out. I'm not sure how I held it together but I do know that not only did I find the ultimate heart mending solution- but I made some of the best friends ever out of one of the most traumatic situations my heart has been through. The loyalty that group of "strangers" showed was more than enough to help me learn more about myself. I lived in Valdosta, GA for a year and have never learned more about myself from my experiences there. What did I get out of this one? A one way ticket to Charleston, SC where I currently reside. This was also a fresh start for me. I was no longer wanting to run home for protection but felt I should throw myself into new life goals instead. I created my "Life List" of things I'd like to do or try and have been working on the list ever since!

Numbah Four:

Poor timing. Miss Communication. AWOL. Whatever. This one has a very happy ending. Actually- two very happy endings. People come into your life for a reason. Sometimes- you want them to have different reasons than the big guy has planned for you. When things didn't line up, and another relationship started while my ducks were having trouble getting in a row- I was bummed. But as time passed something much more important evolved out of the experience- a strong friendship. Loyalty and honesty still ooze from our pairing and for that I am thankful. Before I knew why we crossed paths I was really confused as to why things didn't work out. I decided that what I was personally wanting at the time was someone to spend time with, and someone to take care of. I looked into the Low Country Lab Rescue and fostered a lab pup named "Ruby." I personally hated the name and called her Pup or PupPup instead. After a long few months of sick and barely active puppy- I decided I wanted to keep her. So I adopted Nova and 5 minutes later she sprung to life and ripped up some panties. I guess I got two trusty sidekicks for the price of one! Both love panties! HA! xoxo

Mambo Numbah 5:

Live. Laugh. Love. The word heartache just sounds awful. But just because your heart broke doesn't mean it has to be an awful nasty situation. The purpose of life is to learn. Whether that be from experience, mistakes, other people, or in other facets. Learning equals growing. A year ago this week actually, I fell into the hands of one of the most heart filling experiences I may ever have. I Learned a lot. Loved a lot. Laughed a lot. And have Lived a lot because of it. I recently noticed that one thing I didn't really do was regret. I can't think of any aspect of the relationship that I had regrets on. I could have my blinders on, which I so often rock out in, but lets hope not for the sake of editing this blog! I haven't found the "perfect" purchase for this life situation but I know what it's going to be. I think it will be a painting. I think it's appropriate given some past history and I think it will be a good reminder of what I want out of life. Happiness, Love, Loyalty, Hope, Faith... and truly Living. Thank you.

Numbah 6: 

Hottest. Charming. Ambitious. Badass. And Crazy?! After 2.5 months of dating I guess its appropriate to blow off the girl you're dating and to marry a near stranger. We all make choices. Some of us don't have the backbones to choose wisely. And then there are others who make mistakes, like big ass mistakes, and refuse to get themselves out of those situations. Shame on You. Peace Out.  Since I spent 2 months eyeing hot tattoos out of this dating extravaganza I feel it is appropriate to dive into some more ink as a form of "retail" therapy. I thought about another tiger tattoo- something on my hip or in the pelvic region. But it's bathing suit season and I've been growing increasingly embarrassed of my current ink. It's almost 8 years old. It's cartoon like. And I've been wanting it redone for some time now. So I've decided to plan a personal vacation to Savannah, GA to get some new ink. Care to join? 

The number one thing I've acquired from all of these hard times is- Friends! The bonds that I have created with the people in my life has done nothing but grow stronger. I am thankful everyday for those around me that continuously swoop in when I need them most. Not only do they have to deal with my crazy life but sometimes have to help me navigate through the most painful of situations. To those I Love Most: Thank you for always doing your best to protect my heart even when I'm careless with it. Thank you for always knowing when to step in and drag me away from harm- even when I'm kicking and screaming- because I cannot do it myself. Love You, Mean it. Always, Always. 

Learning How To Bail...

A friend of mine, Megan, has insisted that I figure out how to bail when I get into situations that I "know" I don't belong in. This got me thinking. What exactly does that mean? 

A daydream or two later- I'm floating along in my kayak. Wee! Cruising along under sunny skies and calm waters when, wham-o, rapids and thunderstorms. Freaking Awesome. And now I'm taking on water. Unfortunately- I don't have a skirt on my kayak and I also didn't bring a bucket to start ditching this water with. Did I mention that I'm no Michael Phelps?

New daydream. I'm in jail. Umm, WTF Mate?! How did I get here? Stupid decisions. Bad, bad choices. Taking chances that I know I shouldn't take. Ok, fine. How do I get out? Someone needs to post bail. Wait... "someone" needs to get me out of something I got myself into? This can't be right. 

Lately I'm constantly reminded that I am quite the intuitive character. I have strong gut instincts when it comes to my personal, professional, and family life. Usually, my instincts are somewhat pre-mature. Meaning- I get these feelings/thoughts about a relationship, a circumstance at work, whatev and it just seems insane that my feelings could even be possible. Then, tada, I am once again 100% correct. RATS!

Why is it that when I get an inkling about the fate of my relationship, the immoral decision of a friend, or the landslide of a case I have- I don't spring into action right away? Here I am, dating someone for over two months and he started acting like the sketch ball of the year and I just put up with it. I decided that I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Then when he started acting certifiable and crazy, I looked the other way and again- put up with it. I board a plane, land in Massachusetts one night, get an "I'll call in a bit, Babe" the next night and he lands in Trash City and gets married to someone he's only known for two to three weeks. Bam, he doesn't want me to hate him and wants us to be besties. Maybe he can get MY name tattooed on the other butt cheek. I'd like a different font please. Okthanksbye.

Lets just ignore the 200lb Pink Gorilla I just let into the room. The point is that I've got to know when to peace out. This is growing increasingly unhealthy for my life and it also is probably driving my friends freakin' batty. Although, most of them have retold my latest and greatest relationship disaster to all of their friends and family because they think it's the funniest thing ever. Funny? Maybe in a month or two I'll decide I can laugh about it. Right now- it's still insane and I still feel wicked stupid. Thirty Fold.

So, as Megan suggested, I really need to stop putting up with situations that I know I don't belong in, and start bailing. This isn't just a problem I have in relationships, but also friendships, things I put up with at work, and in other settings. I swear since I moved down south I have become much more of a doormat instead of the spitfire I used to be. I need to mesh the "no worries" mentality with the "move bitch get out my way" philosophy.

I wouldn't walk down a dark alley in the middle of the night for fear of putting myself in dangerous situation. Yet, when I get that same eerie feeling about other things- I don't break out the flashlight because I'm afraid my instincts are right. I mean, who is scared of being right anyways? 

Dude, I should be blasting Bon Jovi's "It's My Life" in honor of my new mindset. 

Pass me a bucket and give me my one phone call. I'm done putting up with this ish. We'll talk about the pink gorilla another time. Or never. It's cool. 

Marshall, Marshall, Maaaarshaaallll!

Dear Reader,

If you know me, then you know I'm not the biggest fan of flying. I always have "great" things happen to me. Like missing a plane, suitcase lands in Alaska, stranded in an airport, plane tries to take off- aborts- goes off runway, and having to take the Amtrak instead. 

Well my recent flight home to Massachusetts was no different. I knew when there was traffic on 26E heading home at 2:30pm that I wasn't going to have a good traveling day. Not only did I sit in traffic but missed the chance to get margaritas with my roommate because I was so late getting home. Instead- right to the airport I go.

Flight into CLT wasn't so bad. Especially since it lasted all of 30 minutes. Arrived at my gate in CLT and found out that our plane had "maintenance issues" that were being looked at. This is my red flag for "don't get on that flipping plane." So I prepared myself for the run that I've done MANY TIMES... the run to the US AIRWAYS desk to get another flight out before its too late. Mind you- US Airways is the same branch that got me stranded in Philly March of 2007. (Thanks Guys!). So they come over the loud speaker and tell us that our plane is a no-go and that they will get us a new one. This plane is PACKED. If you've learned anything from me its that: Weather=no fault, Plane Problems=reimbursement. So they'd have to reimburse all of our tickets and put us all up so they chose to pay the fine Providence would charge for them coming in so late. 

Fast Forward. Time to board. Weirdo next to me with crazy hair is LICKING his Kit Kat Bar and breaking pieces off with his long finger nails. Gag. PS- He's like 35. 

Got a new plane. Got on the plane. Huge black guy sitting in my seat (We'll call him Brutus). Ok fine, I'll sit in the middle. He claims he wants to sit next to his family who doesn't seem to even know him. Awesome. I look up, and there he is. Crazy Kit Kat Man. Where is he supposed to be seated? NEXT TO ME!! He approaches Brutus and says "wah wah that's my seat!" And Brutus gives him the family talk and just tells him to sit in the place he was originally assigned. Well someone ELSE is in THAT seat. Poor Kit Kat. So Kit Kat ends up sitting DIRECTLY in front of Brutus. As we take off Kit Kat is leaning over the other two passengers in his row to wave out his window. He's waving to the rest of the planes passengers. And he's trying to start the 99 bottles song. So I decide I'm going to fake flick the back of his chair because he is annoying me and I can't actually put my hands on him. Brutus disapproves. "Deal with it" I thought to myself. 

Beverage Time. Flight Champs come through with the cart. But they can't get by Kit Kat. Why? Because he is PASSED OUT IN THE AISLE! They have to manually move his body back into the chair. He bobs his head a little and then passes out again. AWESOME. So they scoot to the front of the plane and work their way back to us. Again, Kit Kat is in the middle of the aisle. So one lady attempts to wake him. No go. She is literally throwing his body saying "SIR ARE YOU ALRIGHT?!"  Great, he's dead, I say to myself. He comes back to life somehow and then starts licking and kissing their cart. I wish I was joking. Lady who just shook the life out of Kit Kat takes off and comes back with a weird looking can that she places on Brutus' tray. Odd. Then she hands him an Orange Juice and says "in case it's not what we think." So I imagine the OJ is in case he has diabetes or something and they are thinking something else. Five minutes later Brutus has this contraption on his tray that looks like a seatbelt restraint. Where the frig did that come from? 

Kit Kat lets out this loud sound, a yell perhaps, and I cringe. Brutus says to me: "Are you alright?" I shook my head yes. Then he says: "Not for nothing but you're the safest passenger on this flight." Great, another creeper. He then proceeds to ask "Do you have any idea what is sitting next to you?" I'll take Creeper for 500 Alex! He elaborates and tells me he speaks 7 different languages, is on a plane all day, everyday, and originally sat in my seat to watch the tattooed man in front of me but instead was blessed with our beloved Kit Kat directly in front of him. He also notifies me that if something is to happen I am to stay calm and protect myself and not assist him in his "job." 

Lady comes by and talks with Brutus about protocol. Brutus mentions a pipe and I'm hoping I didn't miss the word bomb after that. Flight Ends. Kit Kat gets wild. WHAM, Down he goes. Brutus to the Rescue. 

When all is said and done and I deboard the plane Brutus asks me if I want him to get Kit Kat's number for me. He says that we'd be a match made in Heaven. Then we laugh. He says take care and that everything happens for a reason. I agree.

Little did I know that would be the theme for the next few days... But I'll blog about that another time.

Get in the car and my Mum starts driving us home. I tell her that I'm going to die today and she says "shut up." I tell her about the plane issues and flight problems. I tell her how I ran over an alligator and got pulled over. She hits a deer 4 seconds later. Smashes the headlight, hood, front quarter panel, passenger door and window. It's a good thing her car is brand new.  We make it home alive and I can't help to think what's next...

Dear Kelly, While you were gone...

...you missed a lot of wtf mate moments.

One morning Nova decided to go Cujo on the front window. Then hurdled into the thinking chair in the office. Then zoomed back to the front window. I innocently peered out and gasped. A TURKEY!! A freaking turkey was in the yard. Then I noticed this weird tendon dangling out of its beak. Oh no, not a turkey. A turkey Vulture perhaps,  no gobble gobble. An entire skinned squirrel was laying on the sidewalk for a Sunday morning dissection lecture. Don't worry, the bird kindly moved it into the grass and then took off and left the corpse. I thought about moving it but gagged every time I went by the window. Look out for bones.

I also wanted to literally KILL a mockingbird. No Joke. Everyone knows I freaking HATE birds. Mockingbirds are officially number one on my list, move over seagulls. Not only do they make this horrid noise all night. But they are clearly trained suicide bombers. Innocently, I emerge from the house wanting to potty Nova. And zoom. I get dived at. Not only is this bird diving at us... but it is CHASING US! Never did it make contact but it dove at us all the way around the dumpster and back! To Kill a Mockingbird? I concur. 

I also may or may not have run over an alligator. I can't be sure that it was an alligator, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't a crocodile. See, I was zooming along at night and noticed all these little eyeballs on the right hand side of the road. DEER! So I thought I'd move to the left lane. As I'm scooting along I see miscellaneous little friends splayed out in the middle of the road. So I decided to slow down so that I don't turn into a modern day Santa Sleigh, Toyota Edition. I slowly approached a long bend in the road and noticed what looked like a tire flap in my lane. To the right- Deer! So I decided I'd have to take one for the team. As I got on top of the tire flap I saw an eyeball move. I'm pretty sure I yelled ALLIGATOR! It clearly didn't hear me as I launched myself into the air. Nova woke up, groaned. I freaked and did 4 Hail Mary's. 

I do also recall getting pulled over. In fact, let me go and get the love note I was written. Oh yes, 64 in a 45. Strange because you'd think the alligator dragging behind me would have slowed me down some. Anyways- we got into this whole song in dance about how fast I was going, how I didn't know the area or the speed limits, and about where I was headed. Nothing I answered seemed to satisfy Sammy Safety. Whatev. He came back to inform me that there were no other violations on my tag and that I was going to get a written warning. 5 Hail Mary's later I thought to myself- Well Duh, I've only had SC plates for 8 months. That and I've only ever gotten warnings. Never was I asked if I had been drinking. Strange. Now that I'm looking at this love note I'm noticing that he failed write "Hottie" on here. Men in uniform ALWAYS love me as we've documented countless times. Rude.

So I've been waiting on some packages from my new favorite addiction, etsy.com! I sauntered out to the mailbox yesterday, opened it up, and SURPRISE! A package! Not only was there a package but there was this blown glass type thing on top of the mail. It was this gorgeous shamrock green with some ribbons of gold flecks swirled throughout it. I picked it up and noticed that one end of it was broken. What the heck is this? I noticed this black residue type stuff on one end of this contraption. Like the girl who shouldn't press the red button- I stuck my finger in it. Whaaaat the.... POT! I threw it back in the mailbox and ran inside. I then proceeded to call for legal representation. Kelsey picked up: Yo Yo What Up (well practically). So I said "I need you to wear your pre-lawyer hat for a minute." I told her that there was a bong in the mailbox. She proceeded to ask if there was water all over our mail which was so strange to me. Water? Apparently bongs use water or something. So no, it wasn't a bong. I then called it a pipe (to later be informed that it was actually a bowl- like I freaking know the lingo). I was then instructed to dispose of it in the dumpster nearby. Hopefully Grissom and Stokes don't CSI that piece or I'm donezo! Although I love me some Nick Stokes! I returned from the disposal mission and decided to check the neighbors mailbox for the missing piece. She's an older British woman and I didn't want her having a heart attack in the driveway if the other half was in her mailbox. I'm pretty sure whoever put it there was watching me out the window. Mount Perfect Punk'd. 

On Sunday, our Holy Day, the stripper house decided to show some skin. On the pavement of their driveway lay some scantily clad ladies smothered in cooking oil. As if the half naked display of a van isn't enough to cause accidents, we now have the real thing in the driveway. Across the street are the hot guys moving out. You know, the orthopedic surgeon that I never got the chance to test drive- THAT house. So cars are going off the road, couches are being dropped, and Nova is growling at the cellulite show outside. Paradise. 

I must confess that there may have been a few days where I jumped on the couch in my panties. And by few days I mean many. And by many I mean every. Details, Details. 

I also may or may not have sent a picture of my ass to some undisclosed recipients. Memory fades me. I have a tiny hiney and decided it might lift up someones saggy day. Isn't it ironic, Don't you think? Rave reviews of course. Even after it took me 25 minutes to get both cheeks in the picture. For the record- this all stemmed from me trying to take a picture of my tattoo so I could send it to shops in hopes of them being able to update my ink. Hey- it sounded believable! 

This could be most boring letter yet. It sounded so much more comical in my head than it does typed out. Could be that I spent approximately 4hrs with lawyers and countless hours prepping for them. I've been run over and blind sided by a lawyer before and it won't happen again. Ever. Especially since I've upgraded extracurricular activities... SWS! 

Sincerely,

Karen

PS- Our toilet's still broken... take two. HA.