I Hate Bikers.

...And by Bikers I mean Bicyclists. Don't get me wrong- I do enjoy the song "Bicycle" by Queen, although it's not nearly as good as "Fat Bottom Girls" or "Under Pressure." If you know me well enough, or if you've ever driven in the car with me, you'd know that I hate bikers. Share the Road. WHAT? SHARE THE ROAD?!?! Why? If I have to share the road with you, Mr. Bikeman, then why don't you share with me and ride on the SIDE of the road instead of IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LANE?! I'd like to think my 4 wheeled, 2000-something pound, mode of transportation with an engine would win this power struggle. So why don't you just safely ride on the side of the road and share like your damn t-shirt says? And another thing- It's a SIDEWALK! If I am running or walking on the sidewalk I should not have to jump into the bushes when you speed by. On the Sidewalk. Illegally I might add. That's right. The sign, t-shirt, and bumper stickers say SHARE THE ROAD. Not the flipping sidewalk. That is definitely mine. (Please keep in mind this whole rant pertains to adults and not children.) I don't understand why bikers don't have their OWN lane! That way they can speed along or go for a little joy ride in their own specified area.

Oh wait. You people do have your own area/lane... on the Cooper River Bridge here in Charleston, SC. I also hate bikers on this bridge. Not only do I have to deal with the 17 year olds who drive by and whistle or honk- but I've got to deal with various bikers/bike teams while I'm running. The 17 year olds drive by ONCE. You zoom by in your bike lane and whistle or make some pathetic remark and then come back, and back again! I get to put up with your spandex wearing whistling self multiples of times! You know what's also sweet of you? Yelling at me, in my running lane, to move out of YOUR way because another biker is going to slow. I thought you were sharing the road? Why not share with fellow bikers instead of barking orders at me while I'm going for a jog? I can read your t-shirt: Share the Road. Can't you read my shorts?? KEEP BACK 200 FEET! They're bright red- you can't miss them! By the way Biker's: Where are your Helmets? Do you have some desire to experience TBI first hand? Hmm... 

You know what else I hate? Biking COUPLES. Stab me in the eye. Why... why must couples peddle together? It makes me sick. This could be my I-don't-want-to-be-single self speaking... but I doubt it. So you and your sweetie want to spend some quality time together peddling around the world. Lovely. That counts as quality time together? Zooming down the road not saying anything to one another? Must be Love. I can assure you that when Mr. Right arrives here (he's currently walking here from like Europe or somewhere) he and I will not be biking together. We will most likely be speeding around in some fast car or doing wheelies on my motorcycle. We will especially not be biking side by side in the middle of the stupid road. What is this a love suicide pact? So Ethel and Floyd- please move your lollygagging selves over to the side of the road in a single file fashion so that you do not get seriously injured and sue me over your inability to pay attention to oncoming traffic. It would be greatly appreciated!

Some other options for those that love to bike. How about Mountain Biking? Go share the mountains with billy goats, mountain lions, and of course George W. Bush. I would err on the side of caution and not go during hunting season. I also heard the Tour de France is a good place to bike at. 

To those Pals I have that like to ride their bikes around town- I somewhat apologize if you find this offensive. I also hope you're at least wearing your helmet if you know I'm driving around!

Beep Beep!