Do You Remember.....

... Dancing in September!

Or perhaps just surviving. Well so far I've made it. Today is officially the last day of the month! I've already jam packed my first few days of October with a "Mojitos and Stiletto's" event at Shine sponsored by my pal Hunter of Carolina Nightlife, dropping in on "Bowling for Autism" put on by Charleston School of Law, happy hour on Friday with my favorites ladys (who understands my daily battle!), Firefly Vodka Opening Party at Wadmalaw, and Dockside Fashion Show Charity event with Sarah Maxwell! All of these charities and sip habits will be followed by a bridge run with the lovely Megan- trying to keep our perfect parts looking PERFECT! Yay for October!

But also- Yay for sucking it up and making the best of a normally difficult month. I stated in one of my last posts that last September (2008), I was pleasantly distracted and really didn't have room in my heart to ache. After re-reading my own post I decided I'd actively try and keep busy- even if that meant learning how to knit. Which I haven't figured out yet for the record.

The month started off with a BANG as usual and is slowing down and leaving a more calm mark on my memories. The first two weeks of September were probably the worst two weeks of 2009. Or possibly the last huge chunk of my life. Move over heartbreakers and stupid boys, flat tires, and shrinking bank accounts. Helloooo Legal Trouble!! It's true. Not only was I convinced that I was about to dive into the legal ride of my life (again- move over future divorce if applicable), but I was pretty sure that I was going to need a new profession and obviously lots of tequila and tissues. I truly cannot remember a time where my stress level had elevated to such high areas. Like Austin said "This will Pass." And thankfully, for now, everything has been handled and hopefully DIED. You had better be knocking on wood as you're reading this!

Life turned upside down aside- it wasn't such a bad month, if you don't count the first two weeks. I did lots of exploring and event hopping with Allison and Erica this month! I've even thought of a few projects for at home and to do in the therapy setting! I've also started some research on Fluency Disorders and Selective Mutism! Go Me! I've even been crazy enough to apply for weekend jobs! I'm worried my medical setting therapy/evaluation skills are dying by the minute so I'd like to brush up on it by working!

I did think about those I love and miss but tried to spend those thoughts reflecting on more positive than negative thoughts. I did keep myself occupied during my crisis. I did refrain from crying until it was all over with. And I did blast the song "September" by Earth, Wind, and Fire every chance I got for inspiration.

What? I'm musically motivated!

Thanks to those who held my hand this month. Both literally and figuratively. You all provided me with some pretty strong glue in many forms and it worked! Much Love.

I Hate Bikers.

...And by Bikers I mean Bicyclists. Don't get me wrong- I do enjoy the song "Bicycle" by Queen, although it's not nearly as good as "Fat Bottom Girls" or "Under Pressure." If you know me well enough, or if you've ever driven in the car with me, you'd know that I hate bikers. Share the Road. WHAT? SHARE THE ROAD?!?! Why? If I have to share the road with you, Mr. Bikeman, then why don't you share with me and ride on the SIDE of the road instead of IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LANE?! I'd like to think my 4 wheeled, 2000-something pound, mode of transportation with an engine would win this power struggle. So why don't you just safely ride on the side of the road and share like your damn t-shirt says? And another thing- It's a SIDEWALK! If I am running or walking on the sidewalk I should not have to jump into the bushes when you speed by. On the Sidewalk. Illegally I might add. That's right. The sign, t-shirt, and bumper stickers say SHARE THE ROAD. Not the flipping sidewalk. That is definitely mine. (Please keep in mind this whole rant pertains to adults and not children.) I don't understand why bikers don't have their OWN lane! That way they can speed along or go for a little joy ride in their own specified area.

Oh wait. You people do have your own area/lane... on the Cooper River Bridge here in Charleston, SC. I also hate bikers on this bridge. Not only do I have to deal with the 17 year olds who drive by and whistle or honk- but I've got to deal with various bikers/bike teams while I'm running. The 17 year olds drive by ONCE. You zoom by in your bike lane and whistle or make some pathetic remark and then come back, and back again! I get to put up with your spandex wearing whistling self multiples of times! You know what's also sweet of you? Yelling at me, in my running lane, to move out of YOUR way because another biker is going to slow. I thought you were sharing the road? Why not share with fellow bikers instead of barking orders at me while I'm going for a jog? I can read your t-shirt: Share the Road. Can't you read my shorts?? KEEP BACK 200 FEET! They're bright red- you can't miss them! By the way Biker's: Where are your Helmets? Do you have some desire to experience TBI first hand? Hmm... 

You know what else I hate? Biking COUPLES. Stab me in the eye. Why... why must couples peddle together? It makes me sick. This could be my I-don't-want-to-be-single self speaking... but I doubt it. So you and your sweetie want to spend some quality time together peddling around the world. Lovely. That counts as quality time together? Zooming down the road not saying anything to one another? Must be Love. I can assure you that when Mr. Right arrives here (he's currently walking here from like Europe or somewhere) he and I will not be biking together. We will most likely be speeding around in some fast car or doing wheelies on my motorcycle. We will especially not be biking side by side in the middle of the stupid road. What is this a love suicide pact? So Ethel and Floyd- please move your lollygagging selves over to the side of the road in a single file fashion so that you do not get seriously injured and sue me over your inability to pay attention to oncoming traffic. It would be greatly appreciated!

Some other options for those that love to bike. How about Mountain Biking? Go share the mountains with billy goats, mountain lions, and of course George W. Bush. I would err on the side of caution and not go during hunting season. I also heard the Tour de France is a good place to bike at. 

To those Pals I have that like to ride their bikes around town- I somewhat apologize if you find this offensive. I also hope you're at least wearing your helmet if you know I'm driving around!

Beep Beep! 

Wake Me up when September ends...

And the Past,

it knocks on your door,

 and throws stones at your window

 at 4 in the morning...

-Anna Nalick

September. Back again so soon? Like clock work I woke up feeling nauseous- somehow before my alarm. Got myself a breakfast soda and fired up my Mac. Sure enough the little screen tells me it's September 1st. I should have known from the feeling in my stomach. After fighting the urge to climb back into bed, I took a cold shower (not by choice), and drove to work. I tried to remind myself that September 2008 turned out well. I was happy for the most part and anytime I felt the ache start to surface- I was pleasantly distracted and pushed it aside. As much as I'd like to- I'm doubtful that I'll pull that off this year.

Given that most of my readers don't know how the last week of August has gone for me- coupled with the fact that I am not able to write/email/blog/transcribe my avalanche of a life at the moment- please know that I'm already feeling like my life is about to fall apart. Forget about the fact that September itself usually tries to drown me in memories. I'd love to be wrong- but it looks like it's going to be a long month. But- Fingers Crossed just in case.

September hurts because I miss those I've loved and lost. September hurts because it seems like the golden month for things to go wrong. September hurts because its always a transition month for me. September just usually hurts. 

Every year I try to actively scam and scheme my way out of aching. I think about my grandparents passing. I think about my Grandma Pat (short for Patricia of course) who I'd visit every Monday while my Mum cleaned her house. I think about all the things we had to get done in one day- like play with her beads, drink coffee with a spoon, eat cookies hidden in the freezer, and use the hokey pokey (this fuzz picking up "vacuum"). Always quite the list of chores. Enough time has passed where I can think of these things and laugh or smile. But it wasn't that long ago that the thought of any of these things would make me think of the picture I drew that I never got to give her. Or my Grandpa, yes we just called him grandpa, who would take me/us for rides in his Cadillac. He'd bring us Easter egg doughnuts from Dunkins. He came to dinner every Saturday bringing "special bread" (scali bread with sesame seeds) and a gallon of ice cream (usually heavenly hash or rocky road). Although I haven't eaten heavenly hash or rocky road ice cream since his last visit, I have made progress. The more inner demons I conquer the less I think about the last time I saw him in the hospital bed dying of cancer, barely recognizable. Thoughts like this only ever lead to a downward spiral of more thoughts. I used to wake up in the middle of the night freaking out about dying and how final I thought it was. I'd then think about how Grandma Pat didn't ever get to see me ride my bike without training wheels, let alone graduate with both my Bachelor's and Master's Degrees. How Grandpa won't be at my wedding whistling through his teeth after the initial shock of me committing to a life long thing wore off. 

When the end of the month rolls around I usually think of Jack. I think about how much of a family member he was and how I still can't believe he's been gone for 4 years. I try and remember the time my Mum hit PJ on the head with an ad from the newspaper and she threatened to call the police. As she ran to get the portable phone, Jack showed up at the door in his police uniform and sure enough- PJ reported my Mum for child abuse. No arrests were made that day.

These things are final. The final memories I'll have with these people. With the inner growing I've done- I do a pretty stand up job of remembering them with a smile instead of a tear. Saying that I miss them doesn't do the feeling justice. But what about those that I miss who are still here? Those that chose for themselves that they didn't want to be a part of my life and memories anymore. I haven't figured out how to fill that void yet. We all make choices and I know it is their choice, not mine, that leaves me wondering how they are, if they miss me like I miss them, and why they left. Just like it's my choice to still wonder and miss. But is missing someone or something a "choice?" I'm not sure. When it comes to explaining the reasons and ways in which I miss someone- a hundred thousand words could not quite explain...

 

In the meantime I'm going to try and reminisce with a smile this month. I know it won't be easy, but in all honesty I wouldn't want it to be easy to miss these people that I love. When I smile I'll think about how everyone thinks it's my best physical feature. How my smile lights up my face and perhaps a room or two. Then I'll think about how my Grammy Pat and I have the same smile. When I laugh and someone says "I could hear you laughing from across the street"- I'll think about how loud my Grandpa laughed and will be reminded that I get that from him. I'll continue to do things for others, just like Jack was always doing for those he loved- Never leaving anyone left behind, always helping those in need whether they knew they needed it or not. And when I think about how happy I am when I'm truly living my life- I'll think about You. Above all- I'll always be thankful for every second, of everyday, that I've shared a memory or part of my life with someone I love.

I long for the day when there's no Goodbyes....

-Pat McGee Band