Breaking out of the Groove

So I'm currently on Spring Break from work. Sigh- No Cancun trips for me. Plenty of rest and relaxation. This week I've been doing a mix of things. Done some studying on body language, tone, and eye contact (since I love language and the art of communicating). I've also started reading some self help books. I know- LAME. However, I hope they are beneficial to me!

The main book I've cracked open is called "Codependent No More"- By Melody Beattie. She writes a lot of books on the subject. A friend of mine recommended this book to me after a crappy break up. Ok- all break ups are pretty crappy. Whatev. Anyways- I tend to fall into this groove of nurturing people and its growing to be an unhealthy groove to be in. There's nothing wrong with helping others, however, it's not healthy for me to dedicate every ounce of soul I have to someone who in return doesn't reciprocate the feeling. The unhealthy part tends to be when I know that the person I'm dating doesn't want to admit that they're dating me, or to not "allow" pictures of us put up, or any chatter about our relationship, and yet I just write it off as something else (in their benefit) and put up with something I know isn't fair. Other relationships have been based entirely on the fact that their dependency on things like alcohol or drugs creates my dependency on helping or even saving them. Again- Unhealthy. So this book should help me channel my heart and nurturing skills in better ways. 

I always find myself feeling responsible for taking care of the other person in the relationship. Almost like I feel more responsible for their survival through life than for my own. Which then creates this uneven scale of things with one person putting in 100% and the other person wondering around checking out other products on the market. :) 

I don't know why I always feel the need to play superwoman, but I do. For those of you that don't know, my dad is an alcoholic who has successfully completed his 21st year sober! He couldn't have done it if he wasn't ready to, if he wasn't strong enough, and if he didn't have the people he loves behind him 100%. Perhaps this all stems back to when I was little and making up excuses for why my dad might not be home. Perhaps I made up those excuses because even at 5 years old I was already molded into the person I grew up to be. We all know (or we will now) that I used to have this little "Moth Hospital" where I'd save squished ants, dying moths, and chopped in half worms trying to bring them all back to life. With that said- We're all doomed, well I'm doomed. The Fates have decided that it is my life long habit to assist those in need, I just have to learn to make sure they want the assistance before I arrive with my cape on. Because not everyone thinks the cape is cool. Clearly THEIR problem. 

Anyways, I haven't finished the book but it's given me a lot of insight to myself and to others. My main goal in life IS to help and care for other people. That's what I spent 7 school years learning about, and what I've molded my career into- changing peoples lives. I just have to learn how NOT to neglect my own life in the process. 

To be continued...

In the Pain there is Healing...

It'd be easy to add up all the pain

And all the dreams you sat and watched go up in flames

Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain.

But not Me, I'm alive. 

-Kenny Chesney and Dave Matthews

"I'm Alive"

It's been about two months of soul searching, thought collecting, long runs, deep breaths, and comfort food. I've done a lot of journal writing, exploring, and throwing myself into things I traditionally wouldn't have entered into if you'd dragged me.

For 2 Months I have:

-Run at least 4 times a week.  Sometimes More. Sometimes miles. Sometimes all out sprints.

-I only ate Jalapeno Chips for 2 weeks straight. All Meals. Decided I better give 'em up for Lent.

-I have literally survived only on: Chili Cheese Dip, Break & Bake Cookies, Cheerios, PB&J, Frozen Pizza, lollipops, and starlight mints (which up until 2mo ago- I wouldn't ingest anything mint)

-I passed the hours by watching VH1's Reality TV Shows, CSI Marathons, and House Marathons

-For 2 weeks straight I only listened to Michael Jackson's Black or White. It was the only song I could find that didn't remind me of anything else. I officially have every version and cover of it.

-Avoided all things orange. Minus the Orange Juice I used to add tequila to on an almost nightly basis. 

-Prayed. Every.Single.Day. Sometimes All Day. 

Things I've Learned in 2 Months (that I probably always knew):

-I'm not broken. I'm not in repair. There's nothing wrong with me. There never was. 

-I can't save everyone. I can try. I will try. But not everyone feels they need to be saved. Some would rather let the mountains of life fall over them rather than grab onto my hand. That's their choice- not my doing. 

-Nova takes after me. She's Crazy and Quirky. I'm Crazy and Quirky. I wouldn't have it any other way- and neither would You.

-Know Your Allies. A heart is too sacred to leave it in the hands of others. Some are thick as thieves and suddenly your ears will hear how lovely your name sounds on their lips right before a lie or two spills out of their mouth. 

-Running away never solved anything. I'm glad I stayed still.

-I ramble when I'm nervous and then never remember what was said. 

-When my mind is cloudy and full- I make mistakes. I fuck up. Sometimes catastrophically. So far- I've been able to fix what I've done. Other times- my head barely reaches the surface. Thankfully- I've survived. This time.

-I turn heads. I should never allow myself to feel worthless, unnoticed, unwanted, or unloved again. Because that isn't true. I haven't made it 6 years with that type of mindset, and I won't make it another 6 if I continue on that way. 

-Timelines shouldn't exist. People shouldn't have them. I shouldn't have them. There is no set time frame for feelings, dreams, or life. My dreams will come true... just maybe not exactly when I wanted them to. 

-Accept. Adapt. Overcome. These are the only stages I've allowed myself to go through. I will not mourn. I will not grieve. I will not get angry. That's not how I operate- and there's nothing wrong with that. 

-In the pain there is healing.

-Although it may be painful, you know that Only Time Will Tell. 

More recently...

Every morning I wake up and play this song on repeat until I'm ready to take on my day. "I'm Alive" -Kenny Chesney and Dave Matthews. Sometimes I sing along, sometimes I just read over the lyrics, and other times I find myself repeating the chorus throughout my day. I don't think I'm the only one who should take these lyrics to heart. "I'm alive and well. And today you know that's good enough for me. Breathing in and out's a blessing- Can't You See?" I don't need to set off fireworks, parachute out of planes, play with fire, or wrestle dragons every day to live my life. Just breathing is a blessing and something I'm thankful for. At first I felt guilty for sitting on the porch listening to the waterfall, or walking along the beach looking at the moon. But then I realized that these things bring me an even stronger feeling of being alive than the short lived adrenaline rush I thought I needed in my life. Listen. Absorb. Learn.