Canoe vs. Kayak

Things that make you go Hmmm....

I've recently realized that there are many ways in which you can travel through life. 

Lately I seem to travel two ways: canoe and kayak. 

See- with the canoe (or in MY particular canoe) there is one paddle for each person. You have one, and I have the other. If one of us drops the paddle, the other can paddle as fast as they want but you'll only travel in circles. I'll probably freak out on you for losing your stupid paddle. You'll probably be sick of me saying that my arm muscles are crying. You'll tell people that we didn't arrive together we just ran into each other down the river. I'll tell people you secretly sabotaged the whole trip by throwing your paddle in the water so it could be just "us." Ohh the togetherness of canoeing. Yes- Canoeing. 

Then there's this kayak. It's quite an awesome kayak I might add. In that kayak I can stretch my legs out and take up all the space that vessel gives me. I can put a skirt on to prepare myself for the unknown possibilities of water pouring in- I decide. In this kayak- my paddles are hooked to my boat. Together. I control them both. I don't need to worry about the thoughts and predictions of my boatmate. I won't have anyone to blame but myself if the trip doesn't go as planned. I'll get to sing whatever random song I want without insult, choose which side of the waterfall I want to plunge down- just me! 

But sooner or later I'm going to have to choose a paddle to name Wilson because conversation with myself won't be as cleansing or fulfilling. I may even miss out on the sound of my own laugh if no one is there to inspire it. Sometimes two heads are better than one when it comes to conquering a rapid or killer whale that's found it's way into the river. And even silence is something you'd want to experience with someone else. If no one is traveling with you then no one is there to witness your life and accomplishments. 

I wish I could figure out what kind of boat I belong in. 

Canoe vs. Kayak

Happiness by The Fray

As I work on a few new blog thoughts- I thought I'd share a song that is currently resting on my soul. I 100% recommend their new self titled album. 

-Karen

Happiness

- The Fray

Happiness was just outside my window

I thought it'd crash blowing 80 miles an hour

But Happiness is a little more like knocking

On your door, you just let it in

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow

Let it be, you can't make it come or go

But You are gone, not for good, but for now

And gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard

Happiness was never mine to hold

Careful child, light the fuse and get away

'Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys You

Breaks Your faith to pieces on the floor

So tell yourself that's enough for now

But happiness has a violent roar

Happiness, it's like the old man told me

Look for it and You'll never find it all

But let it go, live your life and leave it

Then one day You'll wake up and she'll be home...

The Wizard of Oz

I think I'm dying. It feels like I've been zooming around in my Ruby Slippers for the past 6 months being the star of the show and then suddenly I'm skipping along, with a smile on my face, and a house just LANDS on me. Scratch that- I haven't been skipping around- I've felt swept off my feet since Day One- if anything, I've been floating. But still- a house just landed on me for crying out loud. Sky Opens. House Falls. Man Down.

Suddenly there I am, a different person, but still hanging onto the Ruby Slippers. I'm a whole new person who is walking around looking for answers, trying to understand, and hanging onto hope by a thread. I'm following this path that feels sickeningly familiar and frighteningly different all in the same moment. Except they're not yellow bricks- they're freaking orange. I'm somehow supposed to be realistic, hopeful, and have faith while all of these orange bricks are laughing at me. Like they've known my fate all along.

So I go on trying to figure out what I should leave behind and what I should pursue. Well it's more like- what AM I doing on this stupid road anyway! Thankfully I have My Dog Nova, although, she's not so little. Along the road I find my friends waiting with all sorts of ideas, answers, and company. Some think I need to grow a brain, others think there's an issue with my heart, and another feels I just need some courage to go on. Part of me thanks them and the other part of me wants to yell at them because I feel that I have all these things going for me- not against me. Umm helloooo- I've been walking down this path all by myself in the woods- I think that takes courage! Don't they know there are Lions and TIGERS and Bears out there? I have a heart, yes it may need repairing but I don't think it's "wrong." I don't think my heart misunderstood anything. Somehow it feels in need of an overhaul and huge repairs- but in the same breath- it's still beating, I'm still alive. Then there's my brain. I can't say they're wrong about this one. I always count on my thoughts and instincts heavily and right now- I don't have any. It's like I can hear the mice running in the wheels up there but they're not producing any products for me to grasp onto. I'm a "go with your gut" kind of Gal and all I know is that I don't want to be on this road. Other than that- I've got nothing. Well, I do have this pair of rockin' hot ruby red slippers but they don't seem to hold any weight either. They used to make me stick out and be the only person seen in a crowded room but lately it's just like I'm in Grand Central Station and they just don't sparkle like they used to. If they ever really did. I don't know.

Off I go into the sunset again. There's no rest for the weary- or so they say. Hunting for the Man with the answers. The Wizard of Oz. As I go along I start to wonder if there ARE any answers. Are they even answers I'd want? What are these answers going to change anyway? I have no idea. Someday's I think that an answer is all I need, others I wonder if I'd rather wander down this road without one. Erasing my steps as I go. Ignorance can be bliss.

Finally I find the Wizard of Oz, the keeper of all the answers. He's standing behind a curtain. A rush of new questions clog up my mice wheels. Things like: Why is he hiding? What is he hiding from? Is it me? What's behind the curtain that he doesn't want me to see? What should I say to him? What am I even asking him for? Why is there this curtain that separates us? Can he still see my Ruby Slippers through this thick and heavy curtain? I can't understand how this one thing, this one solid black curtain, can cut us off from each other and separate us in such a defined way.

As I'm reaching for the curtain I suddenly become aware of all this pain I'm feeling. My head hurts, my pride hurts, my heart hurts, and my feet hurt from these Ruby Slippers that I love. I rip the curtain open and suddenly my heart is on my sleeve, the mice wheels are spinning and my thoughts are spilling out of my head, and I'm scared to death. I can only get out one thing: "Should I take off My Ruby Slippers?"

And he says...

Yes, Karen.